// CHAMPIONSHIP CALENDAR rocket exhaust By Richard Maskel
Top 10 Jack Link's Beef Jerky "Messin' With Sasquatch at the Curling Club" Most Memorable Moments
10] A club member rigs one of the sensor handles to deliver an electric
shock to Sasquatch in mid-delivery. Sasquatch quickly responds by pile driving the malevolent wrongdoer into the ice. 9] A player intentionally trips Sasquatch while he is sweeping a stone
into the four-foot. Sasquatch swiſt ly catapults the dastardly culprit through the glass and into the gallery behind the sheet. 8] An icemaker puts a generous helping of the sports adhesive “Stic-
kum” on the handle of a stone, causing Sasquatch to violate the hog line. Sasquatch hurriedly grabs a nearby nipper and hurls the device directly at the mischevious miscreant. 7] An opponent deliberately jumps up and down and waves his arms
in a distracting manner while Sasquatch is in the hack getting ready to throw his hammer shot. Sasquatch promptly draws his stone to the but- ton in order to score one point and then walks over and body slams the off ending party into the scoreboard. 6] T ree guys invite Sasquatch to an out-of-town bonspiel and then
abruptly drive off while he is still standing in the parking lot. Sasquatch picks up a 42-pound blue hone granite stone and heaves it through the back windshield of their moving vehicle. 5] An opposing skip’s obviously heavy draw shot “picks” as it enters
the house and causes his stone to come to rest perfectly buried behind cover on the four-foot. Without hesitation, Sasquatch calls a time-out and calmly consults with his coach Russ Howard on the appropriate tacti- cal response to this rather unexpected turn of events. 4] A timing offi cial incorrectly runs the clock for Sasquatch’s team
when it is his opponent’s turn to play. Sasquatch alertly brings the mat- ter to the attention of the Chief Umpire, and as a result, thirty seconds is properly and fairly added back on to his team’s allotted time. 3] An opponent displaces a stationary stone while sweeping a rock in
front of the house. Sasquatch duly invokes World Curling Federation Rule R9(c)(ii) by removing the stone whose course would have been al- tered from play and then proceeds to carefully replace in their original positions all the stones that were moved aſt er the violation occurred. 2] An administrative offi cial mistakenly gives the wrong information
to Sasquatch about a playdown sign-up deadline date, thus causing him to be late turning in his registration entry form. Sasquatch rightfully fi les an Article 13 “Right to Compete Complaint” with the United States Curling Association and then prudently hires a prominent backwoods attorney to represent him in the case. 1] As the last rock of the Gold Medal fi nal game at the World Curling
Championship comes to rest, Sasquatch is deliberately shoved in the back as he leaps for joy to celebrate the apparent victory. Upon falling to the ice, Sasquatch inadvertently moves a stationary stone, causing a subse- quent measurement which in turn loses the game. An enraged Sasquatch immediately joins forces with North Dakota’s Bob LaBonte and together the two infamous “Legends of the Roarin’ Game” unleash their menacing “superpowers” on an unsuspecting public as they set out on a ceaseless and merciless quest to wreak havoc, wrath, and vengeance throughout the known curling world.
NOV. 10-17 2014 U.S. Olympic Team Trials, Fargo, N.D.
NOV. 20-24 USWCA Senior National Bonspiel, Itasca CC, Grand Rapids, Minn.
DEC. 4-8 2014 U.S. Mixed Doubles National Championship, Medford, Wis.
MOPAC Men's Club Playdown, Evergreen CC, Beaverton, Ore.
DEC. 10-15 Olympic Qualifi cation Event, Fussen, Germany
DEC. 12-15 Wisconsin State Club Playdowns, Rice Lake, Wis. GNCC Men's Club Playdown, Potomac CC, Laurel, Md.
DEC. 13-15 Alaska Junior Playdowns, Anchorage, Alaska
MOPAC Women's Club Playdown, Evergreen CC, Beaverton, Ore.
DEC. 11-21 2013 Winter World University Games, Trentino, Italy
DEC. 26-30 Minnesota Junior Playdowns, Duluth, Minn. (Dec. 26-29) North Dakota Junior Playdowns, Williston Basin CC, Williston, N.D. (Dec. 27-30) At-Lg/CO/NE/MOPAC Junior Playdowns, Evergreen CC, Beaverton, Ore. (Dec. 28-29 only) GNCC Junior Playdowns, TCC, Brookline, Mass. (Dec. 27-30)
JAN. 8-12 2014 Women's Nationals Challenge Round, Grafton, N.D.
2014 Men's Nationals Challenge round, Blaine, Minn.
JAN. 10-12 GLCA Club Playdowns, Detroit, MI GNCC Women's Club Playdowns, Plainfi eld CC, South Plainfi eld, N.J. (starts 1/9) MOPAC Mixed Playdown, Evergreen CC, Beaverton, Ore.
JAN. 16-19 2014 Continental Cup of Curling, Las Vegas, Nev.
North Dakota Club Playdowns, Minot, N.D.
JAN. 17-19 Alaska Club Playdowns, Anchorage, Alaska
JAN. 23-26 2014 U.S. Senior Men's National Championship, Portage, Wis. 2014 U.S. Senior Women's National Championship, Eau Claire, Wis.
JAN. 30-FEB. 2 Minnesota Club Playdowns, Curl Mesabi, Eveleth, Minn.
JAN. 25-FEB. 1 2014 U.S. Junior National Championships, Seattle
USA Curling (( 13
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