E12


KLMNO


The Post Puzzler No. 9 ACROSS


1 Has kittens


11 Barn bin 15 Read (for) 16 Beauty maven Berg 17 Leader of Israel’s Kadima party


18 Pretenses 19 Fleeced 20 Some watch displays, briefl y


21 Carnival game starter 22 Admission 24 Weather map line 26 Comedian with the album “Sing a Song of Watergate ... Apocryphal of Lie!”


NICK GALIFIANAKIS FOR THE WASHINGTON POST


It’s time to speak up when silent treatment persists


Dear Carolyn:


My husband is angry with me over a minor issue. I apologized, but it’s been several days and I’m still getting the silent treatment. I don’t know how to talk to him about it, and feel uncomfortable being at home. I have the worst feeling about it and have been crying at my desk, but that obviously doesn’t help the situation. I feel like we’re growing apart and I don’t know what to do.


Somewhere, USA I’m sorry. There’s a certain


desperation that comes from being purposefully ignored — which is of course why people use this tactic. It’s non-contact torture.


But while you probably feel helpless,


you have significant power. Your husband controls only one parameter here: whether he’ll cooperate. He’s currently refusing to, so, fine. It’s time for you to get your own thoughts straight anyway. You have the power to do extensive, independent thinking. You say you feel like you’re growing apart, which I’ll take to mean that this isn’t the first round of silent punishment you’ve received from your spouse. Based on that, here are some questions to get you started: Do you deserve this treatment; does


anyone; are you generally content, or is your happiest state one of relief when things aren’t bad; is this the way your husband’s parents taught him to handle a marriage; is he willing to try to do better — i.e., admit fault; is the status quo worth the emotional price you’re paying to preserve it; is crying at your desk really your only recourse? Simple yes/no questions, all of them, but none of them simple to answer. Give yourself time to read your heart and mind, and to read him. Then: Once you’ve turned all this over to your satisfaction, and you’re comfortable with where you stand, you can tap two other sources of considerable power: honesty, and speech. Say to him, point-blank, where you


CAROLYN HAX


are emotionally. Maybe that’s, “Every time/day you shut me out like this, my feelings for you die a little.” Or, “If what I did was so bad, then


have the courage to leave me. If it wasn’t that bad, then have the courage to talk to me — now, not after torturing me for a week.” Or (after you’ve secured your assets


and valuables): “I am going to stay in my friend’s guest room. When you’re ready to treat me with basic human decency, I will be happy to meet you in counseling.” In other words, state the level of


mistreatment you will not accept, and back words up with actions. I urge counseling solo, regardless. There’s an important difference between calmly asserting yourself, and escalating this battle into a war — and the distinction lies mainly in your willingness to remain open to conversation, to change, to him. Your fear of growing apart suggests you’re still receptive to working on your marriage. If that is indeed the case, then say that to him — and make it clear, too, that your receptiveness is conditioned upon his ending this punitive silence. If he chooses not to cooperate, if his response is just “This is the way I process things,” then you have power in the form of a choice: Status quo, or go?


Write to Tell Me About It, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or tellme@washpost. com.


at www.washingtonpost.com/discussions. ASK AMY


Adultery can be coward’s way to force an issue in marriage


Dear Amy: I read in your column many


heartbreaking letters about adultery. My parents divorced when I was a child. My father had an affair. Without a doubt, the divorce was ultimately a good thing for me. My mother was a horrible woman up to the day she died. No amount of counseling would have saved the marriage. My father’s second wife (not the “other


woman”) is a very lovely person and I am a better person for having her in my life. (As a matter of fact, the “other woman” was also a lovely person.) Still, my father is an adulterer. He


cheated on my mother and left her. He left because he loved his children and did what was best for our emotional and physical well-being. It seems it was the “other woman” who gave him the courage to leave.


My parents’ divorce was the right thing to do. But my father did not have the integrity to simply leave a bad marriage for its own sake or for the sake of his children. He was a coward. I’ve been happily married for 14 years. If that happiness ever goes away and fighting for it does not get it back, I hope I


have the character to simply call a lawyer. Child of Divorce


For many people, adultery is a marital red herring. A person finds he or she is attracted to someone else. The attraction both reflects and causes problems in the marriage. Adultery can be an unconscious and


selfish way of forcing an issue that the person otherwise can’t face. I agree that this is a cowardly way to


behave. I also appreciate your view that sometimes divorce is best for the family. People who stay together at all costs don’t seem to realize that it is the kids


who ultimately pay the price.


Dear Amy: Some time back, “Worried” wrote to


you, concerned about a woman in her yoga class who has an irregular mole. Worried wondered if she should say something. I attend the gym regularly and was stopped by a woman, after class, who pointed out a mole on my leg. I was aware of the mole and even asked my general practitioner about it. He simply asked if the mole had


changed. I didn’t believe it had and so I blew it off. She told me to see a dermatologist and gave me a story about another woman who found out hers was skin cancer. Iwent home a bit annoyed but I


couldn’t get her words out of my head and finally made an appointment. The result was level-4 melanoma. I was stunned and scared. I had the mole removed along with a few lymph nodes to ensure they were cancer-free and consider that woman in the gym my guardian angel. I haven’t seen her since and keep looking for her to thank her for saving my life. Even if you think it may annoy the person, you may be saving a life.


Brenda


Other readers have sent in similar stories. I agree that when there is something obviously amiss, a stranger can comment, as long as she understands her comment might not be appreciated at the time.


Write to Amy Dickinson at askamy@ tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.


©2010 by the Chicago Tribune Distributed by Tribune Media Services


ONLINE DISCUSSION Carolyn Hax’s weekly Web chat is at noon Fridays


28 Provoke 29 Muckraker Jacob 33 Figure (out) 35 First U.S.-born saint 36 Go over 38 Examine minutely 40 Bought the farm 41 Fleece 43 “Shame on you!” sounds


44 Cast thing 46 Authorized 48 Pfi zer painkiller 50 Get off 55 Victims of a 20th-century blight


56 Copacati worshiper 58 Permanent site 59 Shem’s father 60 Bombardier invention 62 Infl ict upon


ANSWER TO LAST WEEK’S PUZZLE


CH E S T B U M P LA B O R LA T E R I S E R IN A N E AS H T A B U L A NA V A L IS A PL A I T E D AR E MO N O EL N I N O RO N SC O P E LA N D SI L T KL U T Z Y GA L P A L S SO Y


LE O


FR I E N D S EL T O R O RA M S EA T S SL A N T AV E OC T E T S SK E W CI A G O BL ETS EP A TO NE D AL L O W E D I N AL I C E CO L L A R I N G LI T O N KN E E P A N T S


63 Matrix with squares along the diagonal


64 Expel 65 Tearjerkers


DOWN


1 Get in a lather? 2 Manila’s island 3 Sappho, e.g. 4 Headlight accessory, sometimes


5 Potent Pabst brand 6 Bother 7 Duel tool 8 Introduces 9 Posts


10 Tesla rival 11 Part of a vehicle evaluation


12 Performers at Bush’s 2001 inauguration


13 Mesh 14 They’re often unfi nished 23 Near or Far follower 25 Della’s “Touched by an Angel” role


27 Palette assortment 29 Rises again


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17 19


22 26


29 30 31 32 36


40 44 48


55 59 62


64 33 37 45


56 60


63 65


41 42 46


49 57 61 50 58 23 27 34 38 39 43 47 51 52 53 54 11 12 13 14


16 18


20 24 28 35 25 21 By Karen M. Tracey • Edited by Peter Gordon • www.fireballcrosswords.com


30 Au courant 31 Oft-sought one 32 Graphic presentation 34 Wyo. neighbor 37 Short range? 39 Communicated with in real time over the Internet, briefl y


42 Dandy 45 Radii termini 47 Mississippi county whose seat is Hernando


49 Film composer Morricone


51 King of Celesteville 52 Out of sorts? 53 Esther of “Maude” 54 Cap sites 57 Overwhelms 61 Ariz. setting


SUNDAY, JUNE 6, 2010


TODAY’S HOROSCOPE Holiday Mathis


Aries (March 21-April 19) You will be busy experimenting


with new ways to put yourself across. Nothing about you is fixed or scripted. You’re absolutely free to try anything you want to try.


Taurus (April 20-May 20) Cupid came late this year, but has


definitely arrived. Whether you’re in a new relationship or keeping the fires stoked on an existing one, this is a time when all things romantic are really working.


Gemini (May 21-June 21) You have been denying yourself


something you want. At this point, it’s driving you a little crazy. Consider giving in; maybe even indulging yourself to such a degree that you finally get over this need once and for all.


Cancer (June 22-July 22) You will be more susceptible to sound than usual. Use this to your advantage. When you want to get pumped up, listen to vigorous music. And when you want to relax, turn on the soothing tunes.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) The uncertain situation you’re


facing may be making you nervous. Try to see this as an opportunity to think on your feet. Dive in. You’ll make something interesting happen.


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) In a way, sad songs make you happy.


It’s comforting to know that you’re not the only one who feels alone sometimes. You’ll hear a wonderful song today.


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) People get too obsessed with who’s


better and who’s best. There’s nothing wrong at all with being just plain good at something. Don’t let someone make you feel otherwise.


Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) Never mind the current wave of self-doubt. That’s normal. If you look past that, you’ll see clearly the rock-solid kernel of confidence that prompted you to take this chance in the first place.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You are remarkably empathetic.


Something happening in a far-off place affects you strongly. This is because physical distance means nothing in the spiritual world.


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Loved ones don’t always treat one another in a loving way. Sometimes you’re the culprit, but not today. A talk is needed to restore the harmony you usually enjoy.


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) You succeed because you work hard, and the tenacity and sense of purpose you bring to your work is rapidly becoming the stuff of local legend. A significant reward approaches.


Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) The good thing about time is that


everyone’s got the same amount of it. How you use it makes all the difference. The other thing to remember is that every day is a new start.


TODAY’S BIRTHDAY | JUNE 6: Your hunch is accurate. Believe you are psychic and act as though this is true, and you will have a truly remarkable year. Family shows love and respect by honoring a request you’ve been making for months now. Improvements at work happen in August. Adjustments to your living quarters are good for your love life. Leo and Aquarius people adore you. © 2010, Creators Syndicate


CUL DE SAC Richard Thompson


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