Tom Morton on whisky


SOMETIMES think that my eventual washing-up on the shores of Shetland, with its heritage of vikings, galleys and flammable beards, has a lot to do with the late Mr James Wham, the man with one of the coolest names in Scotish history. I don’t know if George Michael and Andrew Ridgley asked his permission before naming their successful pop ensemble aſter him. Perhaps the exclamation mark meant they didn’t infringe his copyright.


I


When I was but a bairn, squashed, unrestrained, in the back seat of a Vauxhall Velux or a Morris Oxford with my two squirming sisters, our trips to the Ayrshire coast nearly always began and ended in Largs, where if my parents could be persuaded, we would end up at Nardini’s, there to be fed something plain, vanilla- flavoured and much cheaper than the legendary knickerbocker glories other, more privileged families devoured. Oh, and there we played with the cafe’s astonishing ashtrays, which stood on chromium columns and hid the fag-ash beneath a set of spring- loaded blades, ideal for trapping sibling fingers. Then we would drive past the old Viking Cinema, once the George, which had what I remember as a fantastic, full-size reproduction of a Viking galley, complete with dragon’s head, sailing proudly out from its entrance.


For some reason, I loved this lurid piece of Norse mythologising, and my dad’s stories of how the invading


by Tom Morton


Danes had been repelled in the Batle of Largs, just a few years previously, deeply impressed me. I mean, what would have happened had they won? There certainly wouldn’t have been any Italians and hence no ice cream, the vikings not being particularly adept in the realm of gelato.


Te late Mr James Wham, the man with one of the coolest names in Scottish history.


It may have been this that leſt me open to the delights of Up Helly Aa and vulnerable to Shetland’s other atractions too. I have not, however, succumbed to the alcoholic liquid that was botled in that old Ayrshire cinema: Wham’s Dram, Scotsmac.


February 2016 27


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