relationships


february saw the launch of a fantastic new book by a former contributor to Modern Mum. ‘Daughter, Mother, Me’ has been written by Alana Kirk, who is faced with a very modern problem for today’s mums: looking after her own children and her elderly parents. Alana tells MM about the background to her book…


themselves caught in a tsunami of need, caring for those they love at both ends of their life. Te term Sandwich Generation was aptly


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coined a decade or so ago to describe those of us who are literally sandwiched between the responsibility and care for children and parents and, in fact, the term made it into the Oxford English Dictionary in 2006. Tis multi-generational and multi-responsible caregiving is not new, but the difference now, and the reason that the Sandwich Generation is becoming more relevant, is that our parents are still living longer and we are having children later. Modern life has removed many of the


burdens women before us endured and now we can work, play and live our lives with freedom to have our children later in life. But modern life has also meant that older people are now not older until they are much older. (Te proportion of over 85 year olds increased by 55 per cent between 1991and 2011 (Central Statistics Office 2012)). For many of us, life is being given later but also being taken later. And there is a generation in the middle, who are now sandwiched between - and face caring for - them both. A recent study by Trinity College Dublin


revealed that a third of all women in Ireland are considered the Sandwich Generation, with both living parents and children. As both these trends continue - later parenting (the average age of mothers giving birth increased from 30.3 years in 2001 to 31.5 years in 2010, while the average age of first- time mums rose from 28.8 years in 2006 to 29.4 years in 2010 (CSO)) and longer life expectancy - and more women play a more active role in the workforce, we are seeing a generation of women caught in a boiling pot of pressure that can have a negative impact on their physical and mental health. Many women are finding themselves


overworked, overextended, overstressed and over a barrel. Te demands on our time, the emotional wringing out, the guilt at feeling


ur parents are living longer, our children are arriving later, and a whole Sandwich Generation of women are finding


you are constantly short-changing someone can be overwhelming. Coming to terms with the role reversal of caring for your parent, dealing with the needs of your own family, figuring out the practical issues of care while coping with the emotional fallout of grief and fear can make the Sandwich Years a lonely place. Modern life and feminist ferocity have


enabled women today to have choices, make choices, live choices that have transformed our lives. But sometimes we are leſt with no choice. When the two bookends of our lives - parents and children - need us at the same time, we are the ones that have to slot in between. Our parents may need us for all kinds of reasons - mental deterioration, physical illness, or just old age, but the pain of grieving while dealing with the grim reality of their diminishing life is a challenge few of us can ever be prepared for. Unfortunately the


Sandwich Years don’t come with an appointment card and a ‘Preparation Pack’. Sometimes they quietly slip into your life, slowly creeping up on you, until you realise the balls you are juggling are falling down around your ears. At other times the


Sandwich Years arrive by ambulance, a clear-cut line delineating Before and Aſter. Tat was my experience. Four days aſter the birth of my third child, my mum had a catastrophic stroke. She had been with me at the birth, had cared for my other two girls while I was in hospital but, the night before I came home, aſter calling me and telling me she loved me, she read them a story, kissed them goodnight and walked out of their bedroom. Moments later her head exploded and she has never said my name since. Overnight, my dad became a full-time carer and he needed support as much as my mum who was paralysed, doubly incontinent and brain damaged. (Te main reason my dad was able to look


aſter mum at home was because the care package available in Northern Ireland meant mum had carers come to the house five or six times over a 24-hour period every single day and night to change her pads and wash her. Without that community care, she would have had to go into a nursing home. Like the UK and other European countries, Ireland is striving to develop the community care piece of the jigsaw with a policy focused on keeping older people in their homes for as long as possible. Ireland is, however, still playing catch up. Te costs of developing co-ordinated community care based supports far outweigh the cost of caring for elderly people in care homes and hospital. But progress is being made. Tere are a variety of home help services which include nursing and therapy services, respite care and, just this year, new extensive home care packages were made more available, but it varies region to region and it will involve some research.) It soon became apparent that, while my


mum was still alive, the mum I knew had died. For so many women I see facing into the challenge of losing a parent, oſten the loss of the parent they know, long before that parent actually dies, and that is one of the most challenging aspects. With my mum it was a stroke. For others it is Alzheimer’s, Parkinsons or dementia. In many of these degenerative diseases, the person you have loved all your life is slipping away. You are caring and grieving at the same time. It is a hugely traumatic experience. From that moment I was caught in a perfect storm of


care - sandwiched between the needs of my parents and my young children and baby. I wrote about my experiences in a blog and, as I looked around me, I realised how common this has become. A generational evolution has occurred and for many of us who have come to the parenting party a little late, we have found that, instead of our parents being needed for childcare, we are now needed for parentcare. And most of us are completely unprepared. I wrote this book to help other people understand that sometimes life becomes incredibly hard - especially when you are dealing with the grief of losing a parent while also caring for them, and pulling yourself through with a modicum of sanity. „


Spring 2016 MODERNMUM 63


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