humour


Worry F


with Mother


When you become a mum, worry becomes your constant companion. francesca Hornak first found herself drowning in neuroses during her pregnancy… Ten there were the worries that I


or the first few months of my son’s life, like any dutiful new mother, I referred constantly to parenting books, websites and magazines. I


was in thrall to Britain’s two biggest baby gurus, Gina Ford and Penelope Leach, whose books I had been lent by a friend. But Gina and Penelope were a terrible combination, because they had opposing theories on everything. Gina (a routine fanatic) made you feel disorganised and weak-willed. Penelope (the original earth mother) made you feel heartless for ever putting your child down. For each problem I faced, there seemed to be two completely contradictory solutions. Every time I looked up one anxiety, I came away with five new ones.


46MODERNMUM Spring 2016


conjured out of thin air, which seemed rational at 3am, but sounded ridiculous at the GP’s surgery. Whenever I shared these fears with other parents, thought, I found I was not alone. Most mothers, it transpired, know the 3am panic. My personal low point was the time my son’s nanny (who I was able to semi-spy on) changed his morning’s itinerary by taking him to the library without telling me. I worked myself up into a private frenzy, imagining what else – besides illicit library visits – she might be concealing. Ten there was the time I read, in tiny print, ‘Not suitable for infants’ on a packet of flaxseed I had been sprinkling on his porridge, having read it was a good source of Omega 3. I spent a feverish night


researching ‘flaxseed overdose’ and kicking myself for not giving him Weetabix, like a normal person. Tis was the start of Worry With Mother,


which I hope captures some of the madness of modern mothering. Of course, maternal anxiety is nothing new. It’s just that mothers today are bombarded with more tips, advice, goals and checklists than ever before. Tis is why I leſt the worries in this book hanging, unanswered, because the essence of maternal fretting is that you can’t win. Besides, the one thing the world doesn’t need is more parenting advice. Personally, I take greater comfort in discovering that someone else is as neurotic as you. Tis is where Google is invaluable. To find you aren’t the first mother to wonder: ‘Can toddlers digest


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