humour
sweetcorn?’ and then read a whole thread by people who seem even crazier than you, is far more reassuring (and entertaining) than Penelope or Gina!
Feeding • If I breastfeed on demand, will my baby become a comfort eater in later life? Ten again, if I bottle feed, will we fail to bond? What if we have a formal, strained relationship forever, culminating in a huge row in 30 years and me not being invited to her wedding? • I have just made a roux for my toddler, a requirement of Annabel Karmel’s Mini Fish Pies. I wouldn’t dream of making a roux for my husband. What does this say about our marriage? •Will other mothers judge me for putting juice in my ten-year-old’s lunchbox? If I forbid juice, does that make me mean and neurotic? I thought coconut water was okay, but when I tried this, my son spat it at me. Now I’m concerned he’s ‘on the spectrum’.
Playing •My son goes weirdly listless and vacant in our Rhyme Time class. I keep trying to bounce him more vigorously and sing ‘Row Row Row T he Boat’ more excitingly, and he just gazes into space. I’m worried everyone else will think he has a low IQ. • Imagine if my twins were playing and one got into the chest freezer, and the other shut the lid and then couldn’t open it, and the first twin got hypothermia? •We have a bubble gun at home, which I insisted by husband call a ‘bubble hairdryer’ so as not to promote violence. He refused and even said he’d rather his sons got into guns than hairdryers. Now I’m afraid I have a homophobic husband, and that my babies will get into a gang as teenagers.
Developmental milestones •My son can’t walk at 17 months. I’ve started telling people he is only thirteen months, to buy more time, but as he is quite chubby they always look shocked and say, ‘Ooh, big boy, isn’t he!?’ I’m not sure if I’d rather they thought he was obese, or failing to meet milestones.
“My son can’t walk at 17 months. I’ve started telling people he is only thirteen months, to buy more time”
•My daughter’s teacher pointed out that she struggles to hop and suggested I take her to the GP. At the doctor’s she hopped fine, which made me look silly, but then drew a gruesome picture of people drowning,
while he talked. Now he has referred me to a child psychologist, in light of the drawing. Why did I listen to the teacher?
Health and safety • I keep waking my newborn up from perfectly good naps, convinced she has stopped breathing. I’ve taken to holding a mirror up to her mouth to check for her breath. I thought this was ingenious, but my sister told me I was ‘on the edge’. • I decided to hang a Christmas decoration over my son’s changing mat, so he would have something stimulating to look at. But I didn’t secure it properly, and it fell on his face. He screamed so much I am worried I have done him some awful damage, even
though it was only a small plastic snowman. I have been lying down, dropping it on my face from a similar height to test how much it may have hurt – but I can’t recreate the shock he must have experienced. I think I might cry.
Technology • Is it wrong to Photoshop my newborn’s flaky scalp before putting pictures on Instagram?
Education • Yesterday my one year old came home from nursery with teeth marks on her leg. Could I request to see her classmates’ dental records, to ascertain the biter? I feel his or her mother should know. •My two-year-old son has shown an early aptitude for the violin, but the Suzuki method doesn’t start until three. What to do? „
Read more of Francesca's hilarious worries in her book 'Worry With Mother'.
Spring 2016 MODERNMUM 47
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