spotlight: are LGBT couples happier?
idea that gay couples tend to be kinder, comes from the coming out process. Some, like Esther Rothblum, who was professor of Women’s Studies at San Diego State, studied couples who received civil unions in Vermont longitudinally to see where they ended up. Rothblum found that it has to do with talking to someone of the same gender and the ways in which each handles conflict. The discussion is with someone who immediately understands, because they are of the same gender. It’s built in on some level. Another interesting finding was through Kenneth Matos’ “Modern Families” study at the Families and Work Institute. It was a think tank that studied 300 or so same-sex couples with children. They looked at how they divided up parenting roles and whether or not they reported being more happy and/or content. They consistently found that same- sex couples were more likely to share the time consuming work of routine childcare equally. 74 percent did so as compared to 38 percent of heterosexual couples. When a child is sick, 62 percent of same-sex couples will share responsibility for making sure the sick child gets better, as opposed to 32 percent of straight couples. Generally speaking, they found that same-sex couples were happier with the division of household labor than heterosexuals. Something that I found extremely interesting while researching, was around the concept of sexual satisfaction. There is a profound difference regarding how much more same-sex couples talk about it than opposite-sex couples. Gottman found that in the labs as well. Human sexuality studies show that heterosexual couples, in developed portions of the world, the U.S. and Europe especially, have a lot to learn about sexuality from LGBT couples and Latin couples. Research was done in various cities that basically recorded the number of times that couples touched each other in public displays of affection. Men and women in Paris touch each other a great deal, holding hands, a quick kiss, a simple touch on the shoulder or knee, a hug, on average 115 times per hour. In Mexico City, it was a 185 average per hour.
28 RAGE monthly | FEBRUARY 2016
In Gainsville, Florida, it was two times per hour and in London, it was zero. That says a lot about the soup we live in. Whether
AROUND IT, YOU WILL LEARN TO HAVE BETTER SEX.”
ABOUT SEX AND WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY
IF YOU TALK
we’re gay or straight, physicality and general discussion of it and how that relates to sex and sexuality. When I ask my couples who come in for counseling, “How much do you talk about sex?” The answer is always and I’m pretty close to 100 percent, the times I’ve asked is, “Oh, we never talk about sex.” One of the worst things our culture has ever done is to separate sex from relationship and intimacy discussions. If you talk about sex and what makes you happy around it, you will learn to have better sex. What are some of the other specific challenges you have found for successful same-sex couples? Gottman’s research found
that the hallmark conflict management skill was repair. Everybody will get it wrong at some point. Both are going to get defensive and everyone is going to say something that they regret—those are normal traits and interac- tions—that’s the human condition. All relationships will go there at some point,
so we shouldn’t teach couples that they are failing if they do, it’s just not realistic. What differentiates the couples who have longev-
ity is that they are good at repair. It’s not just about saying, “I’m sorry,” either. It’s about being able to recognize when a conflict has gone too far and taking the time to get it back on a productive track.
Salvatore Garanzini, MFT, is the executive director and cofounder along with his husband, Alapaki Yee, MFT of the Gay Couples Institute, based in downtown San Francisco. Created in 2008, the couples therapy clinic is the leading relationship counseling clinic for gay and lesbian couples , with clinics in Manhattan and San Diego and a virtual clinic online. The Gay Couples Institute is proud to provide Gottman Method Couples Therapy and has seen approximately 200 couples per year since 2008. Salvatore has been an adjunct professor in the Counseling Psychology Department at the University of San Francisco since 2006 and was certified by John and Julie Gottman as a Gottman Couples Therapist in 2008. For more information, go to
gaycouplesinstitute.org.
THE GOTTMAN METHOD FOR HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS:
1. BUILD LOVE MAPS: How well do you know your partner’s inner psychological world, his or her history, worries,
stresses, joys and hopes?
2. SHARE FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION: The antidote for contempt, this level focuses on the amount of affection and respect within a relationship. (To strengthen fondness and admiration, express appreciation and respect.)
3. TURN TOWARDS: State your needs, be aware of bids for connec- tion and respond to (turn towards) them. The small moments of everyday life are actually the building blocks of relationship.
4. THE POSITIVE PERSPECTIVE: The presence of a positive approach to problem- solving and the success of repair attempts.
5. MANAGE CONFLICT: “Manage” conflict rather than “resolve” conflict, because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects. Understand the critical difference in handling perpetual prob- lems and solvable problems.
6. MAKE LIFE DREAMS COME TRUE: Create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her hopes, values, convictions and aspirations.
7. CREATE SHARED MEANING: Understand important visions, narratives, myths and metaphors about your relationship.
8. TRUST: This is the state that occurs when a person knows that his or her partner acts and thinks to maxi- mize that person’s best interests and benefits, not just the partner’s own interests and benefits. In other words, this means, “My partner has my back and is there for me.”
9. COMMITMENT: This means believing (and acting on the belief) that your relationship with this person is com- pletely your lifelong journey, for better or for worse (meaning that if it gets worse you will both work to improve it). It implies cherishing your partner’s positive qualities and nurturing grati- tude by comparing the partner favorably with real or imagined others, rather than trashing the partner by magnifying negative qualities and nurturing resentment by comparing unfavor- ably with real or imagined others.
For more information on the Gottman Institute, go to
gottman.com
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