“In the field of counseling, the number one reason people seek out a therapist on any level is because of a relationship issue,” says Salvatore Garanzini, cofounder of The Gay Couples Institute in San Francisco. “This has been the same for decades and has been a question that the public has posed to the field forever.” So you might ask, how do we improve our relationships? According to research from The Gottman
Institute there are basic guiding tenants. “Our research shows that to make a relationship last, couples must become better friends, learn to manage conflict and create ways to support each other’s hopes for the future. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have shown many couples how they can accomplish this, by paying attention to what they call the “Sound Relationship House, or the nine components of healthy relationships.”(See sidebar on page 28.) These components are common to both same-sex and opposite-sex couples, but there are some that
are specific to LGBT couples. “This is why John approached the question the way he did, to demystify the differences between men and women, straight and gay.” The similarities and specific challenges are part of what is detailed below in a conversation thatThe Rage Monthly had with Garanzini.
Can you give me a general overview on the Gottman Study? John Gottman and one of his friends Bob Levinson and U.C. Berkley invited 42 couples (as they would eventually do with over 3,000 over the course of a 12-year study), who would go through what they called the “Love Lab.” It was an apart- ment that had cameras throughout, with one-way mirrors and they would observe committed couples from about 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. The only instructions they were given, was that they were to go about their daily routine. To in essence, “just be there.” At the time, they weren’t sure what they were looking for. They went into it thinking that if they sought out couples who reported they were in happy, healthy relationships and placed them in the lab to watch how they handle themselves, they could “decode” what makes a healthy relationship. They came up with all of this data and expected to find the “magic” around maintaining a healthy relationship. In actuality, what they found was that when you watch a couple who have been together for two or three decades and report being very happy... Is that they are pretty boring. (Laughs) Couples really just went about their day, which in
the end, made the data collection quite challenging. It’s much easier to understand and decode an unhappy couple and to understand what is needed. One of the things they did find; was in counting the number of positive interactions as compared to negative. There is a profound ratio, which is a great thing to remember. It’s five to one. That is the “magic number,” be it in a gay or straight relationship. If you have five positive interactions for every one negative one, typically both involved
will report that they have a great relationship. It’s when the ratio of positivity to negativity started to move closer towards one to one, those where the couples that would end up in the spiral to separation and
divorce.That was a big part of what they came to understand. I’m curious, what were the major differences between opposite-sex couples and same-sex couples? Same-sex couples tend to be more upbeat in the
face of conflict. Because of that, partners tend to have a more positive response and to be more recep- tive. They were more likely to remain positive, even after a disagreement. Researchers compared it to having an “emotional bank account” between them. LGBT couples tend to make consistent deposits to those accounts, keeping the ratio that I spoke of earlier, leaning towards five to one. When a withdrawal is made, which is inevitable, there is an observation that the account balance has gone down but the account isn’t in peril. They also found that same-sex couples tend to
be more comfortable living in a space in which they can repair things when challenges arise. It was easier for them to tap into it than it was for heterosexual couples. Research found that heterosexual couples tended to use more belliger- ence and dominance; they used more fear tactics during conflicts. I wonder how much of an effect the process of accepting our sexuality and the coming out process has on the LGBT community’s ability to handle and resolve conflict? That’s certainly a big piece of it. Some research- ers do say the ability to resolve conflicts and the
FEBRUARY 2016 | RAGE monthly 27
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