Are you being heard?
Ever feel like you might be speaking a totally different language than your partner or work colleague, particularly when making request? The words that come out of your mouth should be understandable but they simply don’t get the right result. This is probably the biggest stress maker in any relationship, be it your partner, your friend or someone at work.
There is a very simple explanation for this and once you know it, and it can turn your communication around – for life. We all have different ways of communicating; both in the way we listen and in the way we speak. There are two main types, literal and inferential. The literal listeners will hear the words and take them at their face value. The inferential will hear the words and make them mean something.
For example if someone said ‘I’m cold” a literal listener will just hear that someone is cold and find it interesting or not. An inferential listener will be compelled to get up and do something about it.
In other words they will
make it mean something, e.g. that they need to take care of it.
Equally we speak either literally or inferentially.
A literal speaker will just ask
for something clearly without any chance of being misinterpreted (we often complain that these people are direct!) Whereas an inferential speaker will make suggestions and expect the other to guess what they mean.
Consider this scenario: Jane (inferential) says to Bob (literal) “I see there is a new restaurant opened up in town” (meaning take me to dinner) Bob replies, “Yes I saw that” Jane tries again “Janet said that it was very nice”
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Bob replies “Yes David (Janet’s husband) told me that when we played squash”. Jane (now exasperated) “I’d like to go there next Friday” Bob replies, “Sure, that’s a good idea” Jane fumes at how useless Bob is at listening to her!!
This scenario is played out over and over in different variations in homes and offices all over the world. However once you have identified what your partner’s or work colleague’s speaking and listening mode predominantly is then all you need to do is use their mode. communication.
It will transform your
At work this is particularly useful in teams because you if observe your team members you can work out which mode they use. Literal
easier to work with – they may be a bit blunt but they say it like it is.
listeners and speakers are actually Inferential ones are
more difficult as they are expecting you to guess at their actual meaning.
With inferential speakers and listeners always confirm your understanding because even if you think you are clear they will still be trying to seek the hidden meaning in what you have said. To be safe if you don’t know – simply check in to ensure you have understanding.
And think about you – which are you? If you are inferential notice that and make the effort to be more clear when necessary – after all if someone does not understand you then paradoxically it is your responsibility not theirs. With this knowledge you can reduce your stress levels around communication both at home and work. And get taken out to dinner!
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