AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18 I once wrote a book on Cosmic Ordering. Unfortunately, no one ordered it. I quickly realised my mistake, went back, changed the names, added some bum-sex, stuck it on Amazon as a ‘saucy’ e- book and Bob’s your fucking uncle. Te moral is, oh stubborn Aquarius, don’t get married to an idea that’s not working. Don’t throw good money after bad. Tat sort of thing. Your lucky shade of grey is taupe
PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20 Pisceans, say the textbooks, have the souls of poets. Well, what do these so called ‘textbooks’ know of souls? Have they loved, or laughed? No. Yet the one thing that they do have is a strong spine. Tat, and crudely drawn cocks on all the pictures. Oh, indecisive Pisces, when it’s time to make your mind up this month, don’t fold like a cheap airport paperback, stand firm like a copy of Razzle on an oil rig. Your lucky bone is the nutella
ARIESMAR 21 - APR 19 You have made up your mind. About what is not clear, but what is clear is that this may not be the best course of action in your current situation. Oh, impulsive Aries, as wise men say, “only fools rush in,” and “look before you leap.” I know that they also say “who dares, wins,” and “he who hesitates is lost,” but just not about you, and especially not about the situation you’re in. Whatever it is. Your lucky wise man is Balthazar
this month. Honestly, I’d crawl through broken glass just to poke your shit with a matchstick. But don’t let that go to your head though, oh vain Leo, lest you put the ‘cock’ in peacocking. Your lucky poke is cow
VIRGOAUG 23 - SEP 22 Mercury's recent retrograde phase comes to an end later this month. Tis means it’s a great time to defragment your hard drive. A fragmented hard drive leads to inefficient data storage and retrieval, and, ultimately, a slower running computer. A few moments spent on computer maintenance this month will really pay dividends when using data-transfer-heavy applications. Ram! Your lucky knot is the Farrimond friction hitch
CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22 When strange things happen, only the foolish waste time trying to understand them. Clever folks like us simply accept that the universe is like a weird pie: push too hard on the crust, and you’ll get squirted with an eyeful of meat. Or hot apple sauce. Oh, adaptable Cancer, this is a month to keep your crust intact, and just take the mysterious filling.Your lucky pastry is choux
LIBRASEP 23 - OCT 22 Te seasons change and tides forever ebb and flow. Sunrise and sunset, wax on and wax off, hue and cry, little and large, chip and pin, Laurel and Hardy, cheese and onion, bangers and mash, Chas and Dave, you and I, you and whose army, Ewan McGregor... Oh indecisive Libra, when it’s difficult to see where things are going, just go with the flow. Your lucky food-lube is gravy
SCORPIOOCT 23 - NOV 21 Please can you put your nose a little closer to the grindstone? Tat’s right, Scorpio, work! You snivelling shit. Make someone else rich, or your existence is meaningless. Work. Work! WORK! Just kidding. I haven’t done a
TAURUSAPR 20 - MAY 20 What is the object of your exercise? Many a hapless Taurus has pondered these words. Perhaps it is killer abs. Perhaps it is mental agility. Perhaps it is financial gain. One thing is for sure, oh lazy Taurus; if you don’t put the time in you don’t get the rewards. As my old Auntie Mann used to say: “Dedication. Oooooh, dedication. Dedication: that’s what you need.” She was “entertaining” a famous trumpet player at the time. Decency prevents me from revealing who that record-breaking horn-blower was, but, suffice to say, he’s dead-ication. Your lucky castle is Caister
GEMINIMAY 21 - JUN 22 Mars is still in your sign. Tis means war! Your challenge this month is to ascertain from which front trouble is coming. Tere’s a storm approaching, Oh adaptable Gemini, so gird your loins, don your armour, and polish your helmet, but do your recon and make sure you’re pointing your sword in the right direction when the fur starts flying. If not, you may end up getting stabbed in the fox-hole. Your lucky siege weapon is the trebuchet
LEOJUL 23 - AUG 22 Well, look at you! Have you done something with your hair? It’s not just the sun that’s radiating heat this month. I literally have an erection. A big erection. In my penis. About how great you’re looking
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proper days work in years, and I’m getting paid a fortune for this gig. Oh, resourceful Scorpio, don’t work harder, work smarter. Your lucky cheese-raft is a cream cracker.
SAGITTARIUSNOV 22 - DEC 21 So, what exactly is Jupiter doing in the part of your chart that governs the renewal of lost faith? I don’t know. It won’t tell me, because it’s so unemotional and independent. I tell you what Jupiter needs to do; it needs to sort its fucking shit out, be more emotional, and be more dependent. Sorry, not Jupiter, YOU. Tat’s what YOU need to do, Sagittarius. Your lucky sweets are Dip-Dabs
CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 20 You prefer, where possible, to stick with what you have started and demonstrate your commitment. Tere was another famous Capricorn who, where possible, stuck with what he started and demonstrated commitment, wasn’t there. Praise him. Tat’s right: David Bowie. He demonstrated his commitment to music by sticking with it for over 40 years, even through the 1980s, when rubber- faced rock gargoyle Mick Jagger joined in. Be more like Bowie. Your lucky column is Doric
BY DR E. MANN
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