Tey say there's no place like home, but what, and where, is home? Well, it’s where the heart is, it’s where you lay your hat, it’s sweet, it’s Alabama, it’s on the range. Oh, yes, your family are arseholes, but don’t let your Cancerous self-pity leave you “Home Alone” this Christmas. You’ll be swinging paint pots of despair into the faces of thecomedy burglars Melancholy and Loneliness. You know what I watch before I go round to my folks? Die Hard. Yippee-ka-sleigh, motherfucker!Lucky Day: 19th December
AQUARIUSJan 20 - Feb 18 What's impossible? Nothing is impossible, right? Wrong. Tis happens every year, doesn’t it? As soon as the tinsel comes out you go all “feed the world”. Oh stubborn Aquarius, you can’t change the world one good deed at a time. You could help out at a homeless shelter for a few hours; buy an extra present and donate it to a children’s charity or even just check in on the old lady from across the road from time to time, but we both know that if everyone did things like that we’d all be living in some trim-rich utopian nightmare. Lucky day: 23rd December
PISCESFeb 19 - Mar 20 Pick up one foot, put it down. Pick up the other foot and put it down. Now do it harder – HARDER!. Good. Tis is stamping, and this Christmas it’s your turn to stamp your mark on the world. Oh, timid Pisces, no-one loves a wallflower, so why not use the photocopier at the office party to take pictures of your bumhole. Lucky Day: 18th December
SAGITTARIUS
Nov 22 - Dec 21 Tough this week's opposition from Venus to Jupiter is challenging in one way, your cosmic climate is most encouraging. Te good news is it’s encouraging you to be more emotional, the bad news is this will challenge your independence. Fear not! What you need is a tradition-based social gathering to stir your emotions and forego of some of that independence. So, for fuck’s sake, be more dependant and less unemotional. Be more emotional. Merry Christmas. Lucky Day: 31st December
ARIESMar 21 - Apr 19 Try to find time to look up at the night sky this month. Look at the stars. See how they shine for you. But try to find time to look where you’re going. Oh, Aries, those pink and grey shapes? Tose are other people, and the stars shine on them, too. Bear that in mind next time you’re hammering on about yourself at one of them. Lucky Day: 4th December
TAURUSApr 20 - May 20 Nothing in this world is more powerful, or more dangerous, than the truth. It is like fine steel, forged in the fires of your deeds. Oh, stubborn Taurus, ignore it all you like, but the truth will out whether you can handle it or not. Keep your eyes open lest your blade be turned against you. Remember that, like fine steel, he who smelts it, dealt it. Lucky Day: 10th December
GEMINIMay 21 - Jun 22 A process has been set in motion. Momentum is gathering, impulsive Gemini, so make sure you’re on the right track before it’s too late. Keep control this month and you’ll finish it atop the podium of life, sprayed with the sweet champagne of triumph. Lose concentration and you could end up like Richard Hammond or that bloke from Back to the Future who crashes into that truck full of shit. Lucky Day: 20th December
CANCERJun 21 - Jul 22 10 / December 2013/
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LEOJul 23 - Aug 22 We all love novelty and excitement. However, like the ephemeral careers of X-Factor winners past, these things fade quickly with time. Te bruises on your ego, though, may be more permanent. Oh, Leo, don’t overplay your wild side like a Slade record this Christmas. Everyone loves your confidence, but no one wants to be picking photocopier glass out of your bumhole at the office
party.Lucky Day: 7th December
VIRGOAug 23 - Sep 22 Even with Mars in your sign, things are not entirely as they should be. But, hey, fuck Mars, right? Oh, sceptical Virgo, why are you even reading this? You know that it’s all bullshit anyway, so just keep your nose clean and your powder dry and you’ll see in the New Year with a smile. Lucky Day: 11th December
LIBRASep 23 - Oct 22 Imagine hiring some great concert pianist to play at a party, but then insisting that this legendary virtuoso performs only a series of bubble gum pop hits. It’s a waste of money and no one’s going to like it. Te same could be said of your Christmas shopping. It’s not about the cha-ching
cha-ching or, indeed, the ba-bling ba-bling. I’m not saying you have to make the world dance, but money can’t buy you love. John Lennon said that. Mind you, he also said he was the walrus. Imagine! Lucky day: 16th December
SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21 Ever watched a motorbike in a traffic jam? Tat’s you, oh resourceful Scorpio. You cleverly navigate the congestion of life and arrive at your destination early. Unfortunately, once there you’re alone, dressed like a gimp, and with nowhere to put your helmet. As the three wise men said, “If you never set out on a journey with friends, you’ll forever pull off alone.” Lucky Day: 29th December
CAPRICORNDec 22 -Jan20 So, Christmas and your Birthday at the same time, eh? Tere was another famous Capricorn whose Birthday was at Christmas, wasn’t there? He, too, suffered the pain of getting fewer presents but being told by his parents that they were “bigger”. He only got three! But, praise be, they were boss. Gold, frankincense and so much myrrh. Geddit? So, be thankful for what you’ve got. Happy Birthday, big guy. Lucky Day: 25th December
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