fucker craves more attention than David Blaine. Shazaam. Lucky Day: August 12th
CANCERJun 23 - Jul 23 Woohoo, it’s finally Psoriasis Awareness Month! Tat’s right, it exists. For all the non- believers why not sprinkle a few extra flakes of ‘love’ into their mocha lattes, particularly those writing their vampire-romance novels in the window of
Costa.Lucky Day: August 7th
AQUARIUSJan 21 - Feb 19 Zut Alors!! Je suis constipé!! You know you’ve got problems when trying to dump is more painful than watching Hayden Christensen try to act, but fear not, tune in to Ann Widdecombe’s Zumba DVD and just as she does her first lycra-clad squat-thrust and you’ll be pebble-dashing all four walls of your
bungalow.Lucky day: August 15th
PISCESFeb 20 - Mar 20 Did you know that August was originally named ‘Sextilis’ in Latin? Wow, the shit you find on Wikipedia eh! Tis now gives me license to mock you for the lack of sex you are getting in the sexiest month you could possibly have your face sexed in. Womp womp. Lucky Day: August 27th
ARIESMar 21 - Apr 20 You’ve just about gathered yourself after What the smurf is that? Your smurfing skills have taken a severe down-smurf since you smurfed your smurf-a-ling in a Breville sandwich toaster. Try to keep your smurf up though - a little bit of Gargamel on your Papa Smurf certainly adds a little pep to your Phrygian cap. Soon Smurfette won’t know what the smurf has smurfed her in the
smurf.Lucky Day: August 1st
TAURUSApr 21 - May 21 Te boringly regal smorgasbord of names that Kate & ‘Whinny-am’ (he looks like a fucking horse) have bestowed upon their poor, partially-blinded-by-paparazzi prince has lead you to spend the majority of this month
launching a social media campaign to change his name. Dangnabbit, if we can get Alan Partridge and his “lovely loafers” down to Anglia Square we can get our future king to be called Shakira von Vinkelschniffer. Lucky Day: August 21st
GEMINIMay 22 - Jun 22 Selling off your extensive mineral collection affords you the opportunity to get on the old fun bus and travel up to the Edinburgh Festival to show off your comedic talents. However it’s a night on the tiles, fuelled by a litre of Buckfast, to celebrate not dying on stage that truly puts your stand-up skills to the test (click). Te “Commotion Lotion” causes you to urinate on a church, vandalise a monkey and even forces David Tennant to get a restraining order against you, and that
10 /August 2013/
outlineonline.co.uk
VIRGO Aug 24 - Sep 23 It’s time to put your DIY skills to the test but the seemingly simple task of putting up a shelf results in removing half the north-facing wall in your house. No worries, a tub of Polyfilla will plug the gaping chasm and also provide an opportunity to store away the body parts that are collecting dust on your
floor.Lucky Day: August 25th
LIBRASep 24 - Oct 23 Knightmare is returning to our Youtube screens for a one-off adventure in all its phallus-obsessed glory (…knapsack - teehee). Replicating the experience in your back garden with a KKK hat and circular saws tied to the fence doesn’t go as planned when your own Helmet of Justice (teehee) gets a jolly good seeing to… ooh, nasty! Lucky day: August 10th
SCORPIO Oct 24 - Nov 22 Bold prediction - you will purchase a Primark spending spree worth £5000 for £7.85 on eBay. Yeah, it looks good but when confronted with all the furiously molested masses of
material you realise the dilemma is actually storing half a million pairs of undies. How about
donating it all to Oxfam and help those that made the clothing actually profit from their labour. Lucky Day: August 31st
SAGITTARIUSNov 23 - Dec 22 Homophobe? Anti-Muslim? Generally
intolerant of those you perceive as “not from round these parts”? Aww bless your face, seeing the Norwich Pride events spurred you to organise your own “prejudice parade” because you guys “deserve to be let out too”. Just mind your knuckles on the pavements and watch your projected brow doesn’t accumulate too much pigeon shit. Lucky Day: August 11th
CAPRICORNDec 22 - Jan 23 Aaatchoo! You seem to be allergic to everything (wasps, gerbils, assorted font types) but when you’re not covering everyone in mucus you’ve been taking part in some experimental treatment. Now you’ve survived being stung, petted furry animals, but can’t understand why you still feel nauseous when reading the Daily Mail. You are cured my little droogie. Lucky Day: August 28th
LEOJul 24 - Aug 23 As you are solely responsible for the viewing figures of Big Brother (yes, it is still going) at the expense of the usual late night Channel 5 fare; ’13 Tings Removed from the Human Anus’, ’13 Humans Removed from an Animal’s Anus’, or ‘Sluts with Nuts’. Your friends are fed-up and decide to turn the tables, kitting out your crib with some serious CCTV and subsequently displaying your disappearing marrow trick to the world. Lucky Day: August 13th
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