LEOJul 24 - Aug 23 Watch your face! When conversation during a monthly knitting sesh turns to Justin Bieber it’s certainly a more animated ‘Stitch & Bitch’ session than usual. Te resident ‘Belieber’ gets more than a little stabby when you suggest he’s a “bit of a penis”, attempting to fan the flames by explaining specifically which part of a penis he is most akin to is ill-advised. Te phrase ‘he’s only a helmet’ is not a compromise. Lucky Day: June 4th
AQUARIUSJan 21 - Feb 19 Feeling bad for missing an important anniversary? Fear not - try one of the following products: Mould-a-Muff, Knit-a-Knob, Tapestry-a-Twat, Cast-a- Cock, Appliqué-an-Arsehole, Sculpt-a-Slit, Form-a-Phallus, Bake-a-Quivering-Mound-of-Love-Pudding. Hmm probably should have gone to Specsavers… or Clintons… I don’t fucking know. Lucky day: June 6th
PISCESFeb 20 - Mar 20 A chance meeting with a potential bang-buddy in the Greggs in Anglia Square leads to a surprisingly successful first date at Silver City arcade. Indeed, despite a prolific musk, you decide the lucky monkey is worthy of a second outing this time to a spinning class to assess their physical fitness and avoid any kind of conversation. Pass this test and you’ll finally have someone to go dogging with. Lucky Day: June 21st
ARIESMar 21 - Apr 20 Volunteering at Bakers’ Oven has aided your ambitions of becoming involved in politics and, to be fair, you tick most boxes; a general profligacy when it comes to spending other people’s money and the ability to talk more bollocks than a priest. However your prehistoric views, instilled from watching too much WWE, has left you with a severe fear of “aggressive homosexuals”. Tis will be your golden ticket, you’ll fit in with Tory dinosaurs like Messrs Howarth and Tebbit a fookin’ treat! Lucky Day: June 7th
TAURUSApr 21 - May 21 Tired of the rain? Hope is on the horizon as your partner has booked a now not-so- secret getaway to…Hull. Te stupendous rates of teenage pregnancy, heroin addiction,
unemployment, crime, violence and Steve Bruce mean you’ll soon forget about the precipitation. You may need a bit more time to prep for next year’s surprise trip to the Gaza Strip though. Bomb-proof sun-cream, check. Lucky Day: June 14th
CANCER Jun 23 - Jul 23 Ooochy ouch-balls! An altercation with a Terry’s Chocolate Orange has left you dazed and confused for so long it’s not true. One small confectionary bonk on the noggin causes a bout of amnesia meaning you have no idea who your parents are. Judging by your webbed feet they won’t be too far apart on the family tree. On the bright side imagine being Chloe Madeley…“Hit me again! Hit me again!!” Lucky Day: June18th
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VIRGO Aug 24 - Sep 23 A lifetime on benefits means you may not be at the peak of physical fitness but international ‘Go Skateboarding Day’ provides ample opportunity to show your mates who’s the fucking boss. Polish off that copy of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3 but be careful, a nose-grind too far leads to a severe thumb strain. Does make a change from than having it stuck up your arse though. Lucky Day: June 30th
LIBRA Sep 24 - Oct 23 Well fcub my hunky, danger seems to follow you around Libra, and this month is no different. Steer clear when Colonel Dickemoff suggests a friendly game of Sticky Biscuit; one participant that is particularly eager not to lose will proceed to cronk their nodger too vigorously… Jammie Dodger anyone? Lucky day: June 26th
SCORPIO Oct 24 - Nov 22 Te acquisition of two humpy little Border collies changes your horizons. You’ve never previously been one to shy away from getting your puppies out, but an incident with your two little pooches double-teaming a Pembroke corgi means you’ll become a little less eager to let your growlers see the outside world. Madonna should heed this lesson too. Lucky Day: June 34th
SAGITTARIUSNov 23 - Dec 22 Working with a partner can prevent you from indulging in bad habits. Be
accountable to a nurturing colleague who wants the
best for you. Perplexed by these vague bullshit statements? Call 0807 121 6108 and speak to an elite psychopath with the ability to mystically drain your savings and leave you feeling aurally violated. Lucky Day: June 19th
CAPRICORNDec 22 - Jan 23 After a spluttering start, your Rent-a-Racist business - whereby members of the EDL are coaxed out of their natural habitat (Roys of Wroxham) with the promise of Blackthorn, caged in a controlled environment, then loaned out to retell Jim Davidson jokes and provide general joviality at weddings, wakes and Bar Mitzvahs – grinds to a halt this month. It’s time to open their enclosures and release them back into the wild. You may shed a tear, possibly get one stuffed as a memento. It’s OK; many will be so disorientated that they won’t see the articulated lorry of justice bearing down on their balaclava-clad asses. Poor buggers. Lucky Day: June 13th
GEMINIMay 22 - Jun 22 Tere are three key things that should be avoided in life; using a coat hanger as a sex aid, sharing a car with George Michael, hanging out with radio and TV personalities in the late 60s. However this month you manage all three… congratulations?! Lucky Day: June 23rd
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