JUNE 2012
“We took your country back,” just like you asked. That’s America to us. Thank
you for giving us your votes, and your freedom.
–John Boehner
Speaker of the House of Rep- resentatives Not to be outdone, Boehner’s
rival across the aisle, former Speaker Nancy Pelosi, released a list of accomplishments by her President, reinforcing her desire to love, honor, and obey through good times and bad: Dear Fellow Americans and
Anyone Else Who Happens to Be in the Country Hoping to Someday Be an American: Now that Campaign Season
2012 is upon us, it’s time to look back and bask in the glory of our party’s executive accom- plishments. You voted for us to take action and we did. In his first three years in power, our President:
Advanced racial equal-
ity by singlehandedly integrat- ing hundreds of national golf courses, earning Barack Obama the coveted Rosa Parks of the Links award for 2011–12. Served as the catalyst for a
one-day iTunes sales record of Al Green’s Let’s Stay Together. Singlehandedly killed Osama bin Laden. Made picking the NCAA
brackets popular again, stimu- lating millions of dollars in economic activity in Nevada, a state slowly recovering from the Bush recession. Outlawed the Bush Era en-
hanced interrogation tech- niques in all circumstances, except when absolutely neces- sary.
Closed Guantanamo Bay prison (pending). Insisted that pet Portuguese
water dog, Bo, be allowed to travel inside the cabin with First Family instead of strap-
ping him atop Air Force One. Singlehandedly killed Osama bin Laden. Passed historic financial re-
forms that prevented the re- cent JP Morgan debacle from being a $3 billion loss, thus sav- ing taxpayers $1 billion. Added the union label to all active duty military uniforms. Stemmed the tide of illegal immigration by removing all incentives to come to our coun- try, including those jobs that could attract undesirables. Singlehandedly killed Osama
bin Laden (have I mentioned this?). The deficit continues to re-
cede, unemployment continues to decline from a dangerous high, and spending has de- creased these past three years, so we will take the high road and thank President Obama and his progressive agenda for
preserving the very founda- tion of capitalism and freedom rooted in Judeo-Christian law. While we fully recognize that economic conditions in this country are still below our lofty expectations, we also acknowl- edge that things will continue to strengthen if the Democrats have control of the Senate, White House, Supreme Court, and quite possibly private en- terprise. We can say with pride, “We took your country back,” just like you asked.
-Nancy Pelosi
Future Speaker of the House Sadly, only one of these mar-
riages is destined to succeed. When one of these marriages goes south in November, I won- der who will get the House in the settlement.
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