In Her Defence An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket and was up in front of the judge. He asked her, “What did you steal?” She replied, “A can of peaches.”


The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry. The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can ? She replied that there were six. The judge then said “ In that case I will give you six days in prison.” Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman’s husband stood up and asked if he could say something. The Judge said, ”What is it?” The husband said, “ She also stole a large can of peas.”


Five out of four people don’t understand fractions. 4.


We must be getting soft giving you all these clues. A traditional Scottish meal usually served at Ceilidhs


Oh I wish I were a pretty flower, the dandelion said.


Then people would admire me but they wish me gone instead. Now if I were a snowdrop, so pure and sparkling white,


or a bluebell with a nodding head, well, that would be alright.


Or a sweet, shy, shrinking violet, she's such a pretty thing,


or a cow slip or a celandine, then I'd be welcome in the spring. Perhaps a stately foxglove, so loved by all the bees, or a fragrant honeysuckle, then I'd be sure to please.


But there are some who try to poison me and ouch-pull off my head, or get the hoe and cut me down, and call me wee-the-bed. But during the creation, the good Lord, He decreed,


That while some would get the glory, I'd be just a blooming weed. So despite their sprays and potions of this please have no fear, I'll still go forth and multiply - and see you all next year.


Cheat’s tiramisu 2 tbsp coffee granules or powder 350ml//12fl oz boiling water 4tbsp caster sugar 3 tbsp brandy (optional) 425g can custard 2 x 250g tubs mascarpone 200ml tub crème fraiche 175-200g packet sponge fingers (boudoir biscuits – the Italian Savoury type are great) Cocoa powder Mix together the coffee, boiling water, sugar and brandy (if using) in a shallow dish. Set aside to cool. Spoon the custard, mascarpone and crème fraiche into a large bowl and beat until smooth with an electric hand whisk or balloon whisk. Spoon half the mixture into the bottom of a 20x23x6cm/8x9x2in dish. Dip the sponge fingers in the coffee mixture so they are well soaked, and then lay them on top of the creamy mixture in two layers. Spoon over the remaining custard cream mixture in swirls and sift generously with cocoa powder.


Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and can’t stand in the driver ahead of you.


7. Barbara Streisand.


21.


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