by walter meyer not halfway done A-LISTS
SINGLE again on Valentine’s Day
he would have done anything to keep a boyfriend. A bird in the hand, as it were, or as a straight guy I knew in college so crudely put it, “A hand in her bush is worth two on your bird.” But my friend was the one to do the dumping, he and I talked about this. At 19 getting laid is objective enough, past 40 it is nice, but not the only goal in life (for most people, at least) ...or it shouldn’t be. Many think that as you get older and the possible dating pool and opportunities for dating shrink, you inher-
E
ently get more desperate. In reality, your standards actually go up. I had to learn the lesson that so many never do—never go into a relationship expecting to make major changes in the other person. There is the clichéd- but-true line: never try to teach a pig to sing—it wastes your time and annoys the pig. So, things that I once tolerated,smoking for instance, are now deal killers for me. Why start with a list of “must changes” if the relationship is to work? More than being secure in what I do want, my list of what I don’t want grows ever longer. And I don’t mean the superficial “no” lists that are common on Adam4Adam and similar sites: no fats, femmes, Asians, blacks or Latinos; anyone under 22 or over 24; no redheads or blonds, no…” until they have whittled the dating pool to no one other than Zac Efron. As I get older, my acceptable age range has broadened, and I never had any hang-ups about race. It was the
guy, not the color of his skin that mattered. But the core values that I desire have become more focused. Some- one once asked me what I was looking for in a guy. Intellectual curiosity—the passion to never stop learning and growing. Far too many people turn off their brains as soon as they finish school. I have heard some say, “I’m done, I don’t have to ever read another book. There was a time when I would put up with that for a while, if they had other attributes I liked. But not now. The brain will last a lot longer than the six-pack, but it too will atrophy if not exercised. And I want someone with passion
for...something. Even things I don’t necessarily care about. But I want them to care about something. One of those things has to be at least a passing interest in the world. He doesn’t have to be an activist, but if he doesn’t care even a little about global warming and has no idea who his senators are, it’s not likely we’re going to have much to talk about. My friend, who is not lamenting the loss of his “love,” is happier alone. He and I agreed our lives are pretty good. They would probably be better with a partner, but we are not will-
“Many think that as you get older and the possible dating pool and opportu- nities for dating shrink, you inherently get more desperate. In reality, your standards actually go up.”
ing risk that happiness for just anyone. As I look around at the couples I know, most of them—gay and straight—after about 10 years, arrive where North and South Korea are. There is not much open warfare or simmering hatred, but there is also no love there. And if either party could easily pack up and move away, they would. But they stay out of convenience and laziness, or for the sake of their joint ownership of the kids/dog/condo/business. I’d rather stay in the relationship out of passion and the shared joy of living, growing and learning. If I can find those traits in someone else, that would be awesome. In couples that still work and click, it is indeed awesome to see. But lowering standards and trying to get potential boyfriends to change isn’t likely to make that happen. So I am not unhappily single this Valentine’s
Day. I’m just still waiting to find the guy who will make me even happier next year.
very year I promise myself that finding a boyfriend will be a priority by Valentine’s Day. And once again this year I will convince myself that it is a good thing I don’t have to spend money on candy and flowers. A friend, about my age, just broke up with his much younger boyfriend. Some of our other friends were shocked. How could he let this cute young guy go? After being single for so long, they assumed
FEBRUARY 2011 | RAGE monthly 33
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48 |
Page 49 |
Page 50 |
Page 51 |
Page 52 |
Page 53 |
Page 54 |
Page 55 |
Page 56 |
Page 57 |
Page 58 |
Page 59 |
Page 60 |
Page 61 |
Page 62 |
Page 63 |
Page 64 |
Page 65 |
Page 66 |
Page 67 |
Page 68 |
Page 69 |
Page 70 |
Page 71 |
Page 72 |
Page 73 |
Page 74 |
Page 75 |
Page 76 |
Page 77 |
Page 78 |
Page 79 |
Page 80 |
Page 81 |
Page 82 |
Page 83 |
Page 84 |
Page 85 |
Page 86 |
Page 87 |
Page 88 |
Page 89 |
Page 90 |
Page 91 |
Page 92