Poker Europas
REGULAR BEAT REPORTER
Charlie Chimp TELL YOUR UNCLE CHARLIE
It’s that time of year again. Charlie’s sack is bulging and he can’t wait to shower his loyal readers with goodwill. Among the literally three or four Christmas cards in his post bag, there are reader’s plaintive cries for advice on how to survive the festive period when poker might be harder to come by.
THE TABLE FROM HELL Dear Charlie.
I will be spending Christmas week at my wife’s mother’s house with five members of her family. I don’t like them, they don’t like me, and none of them know anything about poker. Two years ago the stress was so much that I developed a twitch in my eye that lasted for six weeks. Please help. Phil. Manchester.
Hi Phil, Because it’s Christmas you have to be where you don’t want to be, with people you don’t like, drinking stuff that tastes of Haribo and lighter fluid. Poker can save you. Get a phone you can play on and find a “you space”. A toilet is perfect. Spending an hour in the loo at Christmas is perfectly normal due to the indigestible crap you’ve been stuffing down for three days. Give yourself an hour or two every day (a Sit and Go would seem appropriate) and play way above your normal level. That way if you win you’ll be in a good mood for the rest of the day, and if you lose, talking to your brother-in-law about how much mileage he gets from his Vauxhall Vectra will seem like a blessed relief.
BETTING IN THE DARK
Dear Charlie. I live in the far North of Norway. I’ve been snowed in for a week and a half and it won’t get light again outside for another month. My weekly home game has been cancelled until February and I have no internet. What can I do? Bjarni. Tromso.
Well Bjarni. Take a leaf out of Annette Obrestad’s book. Annette was raised by wolves in the Northern forests and learned to speak English from an in- flight magazine she found in a wrecked plane. The magazine had an article in it about internet poker, and in the dark winter months while her family were out foraging for lame seals she kept herself sane by gnawing on frozen squirrel bones and playing imaginary poker hands in her head. When she played the WSOP Europe in 2007 it was the first time she had worn human clothes, seen electric light or enjoyed a meal sitting at a table rather than hunched in a cave snarling at her hungry brothers. She remembered everything she had taught herself, took the bracelet in London and celebrated by savaging a deer in Hyde Park. So Bjarni, embrace your isolation in the dark frozen north as an opportunity, to make yourself better, stronger, more aggressive. Maybe teach your Mum how to play?
EAT THE RICH
Dear Charlie. My boyfriend’s family are rich and stupid, and when we go to their house at Christmas they insist on playing silly card games for matches. I can’t help thinking that if I could convince them to play poker, for real money, my boyfriend and I could take them to the cleaners. Am I a bad person? Manuela. Madrid.
Charlie Chimp was talking to Guy Campbell
Of course not, Manuela. I’m sure your boyfriend’s parents made their money either exploiting the proletariat or pandering to the bourgeoisie. The redistribution of wealth achieved through a meritocratic system (i.e. you and your boyfriend are better at poker than them), or through a charitable lottery (you and your boyfriend are luckier than them) is entirely suitable within a capitalist framework and any feelings of guilt on your part might be considered undemocratic.
Firstly you must convince them that poker is a noble pastime, a battle of wits, a contest of strategy and skill practiced by the world’s great minds for centuries (don’t tell them about Jamie Gold).
Secondly tell them that you can’t play poker without money any more than you can play golf without a ball. Start them on Badugi, it’s the gateway drug. It’s a small hop from Badugi to Razz, then Razz to Stud. Before you know it you will be enjoying your boyfriend’s inheritance early, and maybe even that of his brothers and sisters.
34 Poker Europa | DECEMBER 2010 |
www.PokerEuropaOnline.com
GLORIA IN EXCELSIS Dear Charlie.
What is the true spirit of Christmas? Joseph. Rome
Well Joseph. Christmas, whether you are a Christian or not, is about spending time with family and friends, the giving and receiving of tokens and getting out of the snow with a glass of something nice and a dish of nibbles. Sounds like poker to me. Now if you want to get philosophical about the glory of God and sparing a thought for those less fortunate, then I have to suggest that any poker player on whom the gods smile at Christmas is honour bound to share his blessings. As Paul said in his First Letter to the
Corinthians, the three theological virtues are; “Faith, Hope and Charity. These three, but the greatest of these is Charity”. I lost the first two in a game of Omaha in Brittany when I was 15…
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44