RESOURCES horoscopesby vera divine
CAPRICORN December 23 – January 20
Don’t believe everything you hear! There are no dis-
GEMINI
May 22 – June 21
It’s so steamy, so oppressive, so brutally hot, I can barely keep my clothes on! And if you notice, the weather is getting pretty warm too! …*giggle* Just kidding, my little Gemi- nem! I’m not just being dirty without a portentous reason. I’m making reference to those erotic tensions you’re dealing with at work! I don’t know how you can bear it, girl!…either one of you! Gemini souls may be known for their ability to juggle both extremes of a situation, but this time you may be walking too thin a thread! Use that higher wisdom that you stashed in the back of your psyche to guide you through this hot potato. There’s no need to barge into yet another disas- ter, buns blazing! We know you can take care of yourself, just like Naomi Campbell can. But is that really someone with whom you want to share your jail cell? Well, is it?
CANCER June 22 – July 23
What’s this? Could it really be? Has our crabby little mood-swinger finally found a companion worth clamp- ing on to? Well don’t ruin it now! Just go with it and give it your all! Focusing on what could go wrong is a mistake that you won’t forgive yourself for making. Wake up and take a good look at what you’ve got right in front of you! You don’t have to be the Dalai Lama to figure out how to keep happiness in your grasp, but having an upcoming birthday doesn’t hurt either!
LEO July 24 – August 23
What’s eating you, little Leo? You’d better retract those
claws and slap a muzzle on that disrespectful back-roar of yours! Yes, you’ve got a few things hanging on the line at the moment, but try to see that the people around you are only trying to help you get the respect you deserve! Stay humble and go with the flow. But in Billy Bob Thornton’s case, get over yourself and answer the questions your interviewer asks you without whipping out the Miss Thing brattitude!
VIRGO August 24 – September 23
Communication is key, my hermetically-sealed one.
Open that pretty little mouth of yours and use it for the purpose of clarifying ideas and bringing enlightenment. Don’t get me wrong, you’re adorable to look at. And your usual silent demeanor is a gift from the gods after dealing with people who offer their two unwanted cents. But now is the time for you to take charge of a few things and express exactly what you need to convey. With his upcoming dual role as Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, Keanu Reeves sure can’t afford to hush those kissable lips of his for very much longer!
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RAGE monthly | JUNE 2010
LIBRA September 24 – October 23
You know, the term lunatic is based on the traditional
link made in folklore between madness and the phases of the moon. We all know the craziness you can come up with, but don’t fear it! Flaunt it! It’s your driving force! Now is a vibrant time for you. With those around you be- ing so supportive, you should be enthusiastic about the news you receive. By week three, you should be, as Alicia Silverstone once put it, “sublimely happy! Yay, project!”
SCORPIO October 24 – November 22
When is it okay to forget the past and start fresh without chagrin? How about NOW!? The most outstand- ing displays of resilience often occur at the spur of the moment, when people stop showering shame on their actions, pick themselves up and strut with a confidence that only comes with the certainty that they can do better the next time around! Just be sure your evaluators WANT you to try again. Some things, like Roseanne’s roaring rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner,” should remain buried deep in the sewers of history.
SAGITTARIUS November 23 – December 22
My my my! Aren’t we the determined little archer? If
you’re planning to outdo yourself and prove to us AGAIN that you can excel on your chosen path, there are a cou- ple things you should keep in mind. Don’t give us more of what we didn’t ask for, make us appreciate something completely new and different! But remember to oil our gears so we’ll better receive the unexpected bumps and grinds, otherwise we’ll feel invaded and used! Oh, wait. That’s something else…but still good advice! Anyway, with yet another unwarranted sequel coming to the- aters, Ben Stiller can use all the advice he can get!
count days at In-n-Out Burger, MySpace still has a pulse… and no, not enough people are buying enough time- shares to make it a profitable market! In today’s delicate age of instant info, it’s hard to distinguish between rumor and reality! So how can a wise old goat like you determine the truth? For starters, always go “straight” to the source! Of course, some things couldn’t matter less, like the latest sexual orientation to which David Bowie identifies this week.
AQUARIUS January 21 – February 19
Do you have a problem with things blowing up in your
face? Of course some of you wanton water-bearers don’t see that as a problem. But the rest of you understand the humiliation that comes of a good deed gone awry. Whether you’re tossing a homeless guy a few bucks or you were part of the think tank that developed Oprah Win- frey’s ingenious, riot rousing “free chicken” fiasco last year, things hardly ever go as planned when your generous heart opens a floodgate. Just remember, one day you’ll be applauded when all the right people are watching and your efforts will finally set some wheels in motion.
PISCES February 20 – March 20
What now? Doesn’t it just drive you to drink when
you’ve done everything you’re “supposed” to do and you’re still left feeling restless? Well not everything in life was accompanied with a set of emotional instructions, you know! It won’t always feel “right” or “natural” to take another step toward a commitment, but it doesn’t mean there’s any less happiness down the road! Be like Drew Barrymore and jump into a living situation with your loved one. It will be a learning experience for sure, and the very fact that you’re letting them in is a sure sign of growth! Now if only I can get Justin Long to move back in with me!
ARIES March 21 – April 20
What’s your secret, Aries? How do you keep charging
ahead, impervious to criticism and heckling? I think it’s the fact that you realize they’re only cutting you down because they’re intimidated by you! Be proud that you’re above all those games. You don’t need sneaky tactics to win. But you will need a clean conscience! Be prepared to have every innocent mistake magnified by the opposi- tion. Conan O’Brien knows exactly how important it is to watch his step in a snake pit.
TAURUS April 21 – May 21
Tired of being seen AS something, but not really being
seen? I feel your pain, baby bull. But don’t worry, you’ll soon have your chance to tear off all your packaging and be the focus of marvel for all to appreciate. After years of being known by countless men as “That chick who bounces,” Carmen Electra is finally getting the recogni- tion for being a kind-hearted animal lover and giving philanthropist…who bounces.
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