A-LISTS hollywood by tim parks
SUMMER MOVIES
GET THE FULL
RELEASE TREATMENT
There’s a “cleanup on aisle five” situation happening in L.A., and a Wet Nap ain’t gonna cut it for these next few months. Somebody better stock up on Bounty! It is the quicker picker-upper, after all. Simply put, Hollywood pulls out all the stops in promoting their potential blockbusters with fast food tie-ins. I’m surprised there wasn’t a Sex and the City 2 Happy Meal! Samantha would have made for a great bendable toy, I’m just sayin.’ It is full release media blitz a-go-go in Tinsel Town this summer.
June
Tom Cruise reunites with Cameron Diaz in the
romantic, yet action-packed flick Knight and Day. My, that’s an interesting dichotomy for a movie; it’s almost like trying not to mention Tom Cruise and Scientology in the same sentence. Dammit! I bet you thought I’d say…never mind. Interestingly enough, the Bottom, I mean, Top Gun star is at- tempting to show his softer side with his turn as Roy Miller. Best way to fight a flame is with fire, I say. Turning a TV show in to a big screen adapta-
tion ain’t nothin’new. Get ready for The A- Team to storm in with Quinton “Rampage” Jackson taking on the role that made Mr. T. into 1980s television star. I’ll admit it…I never watched the show, save for the epi- sode where Boy George guest starred (go figure). So, I guess I’ll just have to wait for the inevitable gay porn tie-in, The Gay Team. Can’t wait to hear the faux Mr T. utter the classic line, “I pity the fool that can’t take all this!” Oh, look! They remade The Karate
Kid and there’s a new Twilight movie heading our way. Next! Ashton Kutcher takes off his shirt and co-stars with gay-friendly actress Katherine Heigl in Killers. Colin Farrell embarks on a different kind of fairy tale in Ondine, in which he falls for a possible mermaid. Is it love or Jessica Simpson’s version of Chicken of the Sea?
Docudrama-wise, Stonewall
Uprising retells the events in 1969 that eventually led to the Gay Rights Movement. Don’t’ know anything about Stonewall? Learn something, you young monkeys.
July
Angelina Jolie slips back
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RAGE monthly | JUNE 2010
into her chick-who-kicks-ass wardrobe for her role as a Russian sleeper spy in Salt, which was originally written for Tom Cruise; I’ll bet there were more than a few altera- tions to make his costumes fit a regular size person… Cruise is short, okay? Director Christopher Nolan [Dark Knight] helms Incep-
tion, which is not a film about birth. However, it does star former preggers screen teen Ellen Page (Juno). Oh yeah, it co-stars Leonardo DiCaprio as a “freelance dream thief.” Do ya think I could make that stuff up? Couples of all types populate the cinema in July, we
have Julianne Moore and Annette Bening taking an acting trip to the Pink Taco, and I ain’t talkin’ about the popular eatery…or am I? They’re a lesbian couple with
children in layperson’s terms for The Kids Are All Right.
Then we have Cyrus, which thankfully is not a biopic about Miley, and is played by mother-fixated Jonah Hill. He just doesn’t want anyone to mess with mama. Matt Damon and Emily Blunt play a couple on the lam in the Adjustment Bureau; I hope PETA won’t get all over them for riding on animals. Oh, lam is another term for on the run, my bad.
August
All you really need to know about the dog days of
summer is that Julia Roberts is back on the big screen op- posite Javier Bardem in Eat, Pray, Love. Love me some Julia in a good role. Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and our “Governator” all share a scene in the throwback to the 1980s action flick of The Expendables. Oh, and there are two more 3D offerings in the guises of Step Up 3D (was that step really necessary?), and Piranha 3D star- ring what’s left of Elisabeth Shue’s career.
Cut. Print. That’s A Wrap!
In thinking about this column, I couldn’t help but won-
der…when did the powers-that-be in ol’ H’Wood decide that it was okay to bump up the traditional Memorial Day weekend summer movie kick off to the beginning of May? It was something you could count on, unlike Lindsay Lohan’s work ethic and encompasses some of my favorite movie memories of waiting in long lines to see the latest buzz-worthy movie. Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print!
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