horoscopes by vera divine
of variable intensity. Depending on your prepared-
ness, it could either ruffle your feathered boa or
PISCES February 20 – March 20
simply make you roll your eyes in nonchalance. Either
Insanity is defined as applying the same old mascara and
way, don’t get too comfortable with a frown on your
expecting completely different lashes every time. You can
face. You’ll need more plastic surgery than even your
quote me on that! You can also take my word on the fact
rich friend Barbara Walters can afford!
that you need to take a time-out at work to rethink what you
are trying to pull off. You don’t need to sprain the old groin
SCORPIO October 24 – November 22
in order to get that juicy recognition you seek. Just take a
The energy builds, your muscles tighten, your
different approach to your assignment. You never know,
juices flow. You gasp as things heat up and you can
worldwide attention could even be smacked onto you by
barely manage to keep going without collapsing
someone close else. Just look at your fellow Pisces Rihanna.
onto those under you. You huff, you puff, and then…
A restraining order here and a “S.O.S” text message there and
Nothing. Yeah, that’s right. There seems to be no pay-
voila! Instant Chris-Brown-flavored scandal!
off to your toil and torment, and this will no doubt
aggravate you to no end through the first two weeks.
But when find yourself ready to snap, remember what
delayed gratification can offer...and silently wonder
ARIES March 21 – April 20 you’ve been trying out lately. They’re making refer- what fellow Scorpio Matthew McConaughey was
You’re not known to second-guess your bold steps, ence to you! It’s very important that you don’t lose doing, running around naked in his home with Cole
are you? Hey, don’t sweat it, intrepidity is one of the all the personal progress that you have already made Hauser. Innocently bangin’ the bongo, no doubt.
qualities that makes you so magnetic! But for the this year. As lethargic as you may feel, try not to mimic
first few weeks of the month, you must become fast Britney’s latest choreography style. A hot, romantic SAGITTARIUS November 23 – December 22
friends with restraint. Circumstances could cause evening with that cutie who won’t leave you alone Wake up! Ready those hooves for a tender little trot!
your nerve to provoke a whole lot of Aries-entment! might give you the necessary boost to keep on push- This month will be a great opportunity for a romantic
Keep cool and focus on those great organization ing. And remember to push it good! Cancerian Tom experiment, but only if you check the attitude at the
skills to pull you through these tricky times. And by all Hanks needed to get his drag on in the mid-1980s in door and give that special someone a fighting chance!
means, keep the Rosie O’Donnell-mouth in check! order to get a date to touch his bosoms, remember? Be generous with your time and attention in matters
like this, but ration them out in other areas like work.
TAURUS April 21 – May 21 LEO July 24 – August 23 The walls won’t crumble while you’re away…unless
If money is the “root” of all evil, Prada’s new Nappa Watch your step, luscious Leo. There’s the distinct you’re a carpenter. Remember what Britney Spears
Leather Shopping Tote must be the flower that possibility that you’ll make a mountain out of a said? “A guy like you should wear a warning!”
springs from the vine! Unfortunately, such extrava- molehill, as gross as that sounds. This month, you
gances are often the first material casualties in tough need to find some perspective and, as luck would CAPRICORN December 23 – January 20
times like these. You lavish Taureans know my pain. have it, a close older “friend” could help you do just Complexity may be admirable to an outsider you’re
Try not to get carried away with expenses right now. that. Whether your fancy leads you down Daddy Al- trying to impress, but keep it up, and your smoke-and-
One thing that works for me when I absolutely MUST ley or Cougar Lane, you’ll see your confidence reach mirrors show will come tumbling down before your
get a mall fix: bring along someone who’s naturally new heights…among other things. Just don’t go all final act! Old habits seem to be ruling in your life right
frugal. I know, it’s basically the shopping equivalent ambiguous on us like our administrative Leo-nator, now and a relationship of yours might be undergoing
of a cock block, but come month’s end, you may have Arnold Schwarzenegger. Choose the rainbow flag tension from an unseen misunderstanding. Try to
a few unclaimed bucks left over. Shirley MacLaine and stick to it! keep all your options simple and well within view.
may have played the role of Coco Chanel, but she If you’re not sure where to place priority, rely on the
knows better than to pay full retail price! VIRGO August 24 – September 23 words of a trusted old friend. I wonder whose advice
At times, it may seem like your Virgo neuroses and Ricky Martin relied on when it came time to wax his
GEMINI May 22 – June 21 need for order are driving others away. For someone body hair.
Principles are funny things, Gemini. It’s important who dislikes disharmony of any kind, you sure do
that you stand up for them in the first week of this manage to create your share of chaos! Don’t worry, AQUARIUS January 21 – February 19
scary month. You might feel it’s not your place to be my queen of clutter. This month you can look forward Slow down, take inventory of your resources and
the snag in the development process, but there is a to a relaxing break from it all. The only catch: you have rethink your situation. It may seem as though you’re
battle to be won and if you stay firm it will boost your to resist snapping back into old habits. Just save as floating confidently, but a slight miscalculation might
confidence like no bottle of absinthe ever could. Ro- much energy as possible because toward the end of be bolstering your descent into the stagnant depths.
mance looks more likely now that you have learned the month, your talent as social lubricator (mediator) Fortunately, only a quick examination is needed
the value of patience. After decades of being called will be sorely needed. Just don’t go overboard! We to identify the snag—plus, that extra padding you
the Madonna of down under, Kylie Minogue knows get it, Adam Sandler! You’re okay with the gays. gained over the holidays will keep you nice and buoy-
a thing or two about waiting it out! ant! Stay on the lookout for a loved one who needs
LIBRA September 24 – October 23 some direction with your concise words. Make like
CANCER June 22 – July 23 Lucky Libra! Your professional duties will be a care- Brandy in her “Right Here (Departed)” music video.
When people say “one step forward and two steps free breeze at the start of this month. Enjoy that while Just don’t make so many mid-verse costume changes
back,” they’re not describing that tacky dance move it lasts! Just around the corner awaits a complication or make your eyes glow. That just freaks people out.
96 RAGE monthly | MARCH 2009
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