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WORKPLACE COLLABORATION


that we can see they are upset and we want to help them work through understanding and accepting the situation. “Wow you are really upset about this. Let’s talk about it” or “You seem to be preoccupied or worried. What’s going on?” or similar words will let the other person know their unusual behaviors are obvious and we are willing to listen. Now onto specific actions to take. Remember the


communications circle from my previous article? People who are on the left side of the circle (disconnect) and in the upper half (in control) are more likely to attack and more vocally defend their position. Those who lie in the lower half of the circle (flexible) and on the right side (connect) will take a more retreating approach. If we are the unsuspecting recipient of another’s outburst,


we need to stop ourselves from getting sucked into their emotional sharkfest (see the circles to the left). We can do this by silently repeating a mantra (“this too shall pass,” “just a few more minutes and I can talk,” or something similar). This action takes our mind away from its perceived danger and allows us to maintain our composure. We shouldn’t back away from the person (that can make them more irate); instead, we should stand our ground. When they take a breath, ask “anything else?” That can catch them off guard and it gives them the opportunity to release their anger. If they accuse us of something and are correct, admit it. (Say something like “You are right, I did not listen to your complete explanation,” or “Yes, I did not do what I said I would”). Again, that will help diffuse their emotions and return their mindset to a more objective one with which we can have a calm discussion. If we are the instigator, it is more difficult to separate our emotional reaction from our outward behaviors. We are in the attack, defend and survive mindset. We might not be aware of our surroundings, and initially we certainly are not aware of how we look to by- standers. To our brain, our actions are a result of a threat and we are taking action to live and fight another day. At some point, however, our rational brain will take over and we realize (a) we overreacted, (b) we were not correct, (c) we behaved like a raving lunatic, or (d) all of the above. If we are in the middle of our tirade and we realize the inappropriateness of our actions, we need to stop talking. Yes, we can stop mid- sentence or even mid-word. Chances are that most of the other people have already tuned us out. We can then turn and walk away, which can also include an apology for our actions. That is the


most important step. The second-most-important step is to remove ourself from that physical location for at least 30 minutes. That is how long it takes for our mind to transition from “attack” to “all is well.” Our next interactions with those who witnessed our temper tantrum can be extremely tentative; we have lost some of their trust and respect. We must work twice as hard to gain it back. Our behaviors are driven by our thoughts and our


perceptions. When we interpret another’s actions as ones that will humiliate or embarrass us, impact our employment or cause us to lose respect from our colleagues, our brain will choose the fight or flight reaction. Stopping discussions from escalating into shouting matches is a conscious and high-energy activity, one that cannot be accomplished in a short timeframe. Raising our awareness of our own triggers and reactions, and noticing what aggravates our direct reports, can save us time, money and headaches.


Dr. Shari Frisinger’s human factors programs raise awareness of potentially disruptive or unsafe behaviors before they occur. This eases conflict, enhances safety and elevates service. Her clients want to improve their strategic decision-making thought process, implementation and results


through emotional intelligence, team collaboration and individual accountability. For more information, visit www.ShariFrisinger.com or call (281) 992-4136.


See for yourself . . .


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11.12 2013


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Actual photos taken with a Machida 3mm Videoscope, Model VSC-3-140-NP


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