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These scenarios do not have to end badly or uncomfortably. It only takes one person to throw a wrench into this circle, to derail the path that each person’s brain is fixated upon. The key being aware enough of our triggers and of the situation to switch brains and break that chain. Let’s talk a moment about our triggers. These are words,
innuendos, behaviors or inferences that immediately take us from a cool, calm and collected mental state to one that can resemble a raving lunatic. Years ago, it was the word “whatever” coupled with a heavy sigh (either
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before or after) that immediately caused a person to retaliate. “Whatever” also included rolling of the eyes and/ or a flippant hand wave with the same end result. “Talk to the hand” was another one that would set people off immediately. Ours can be words (“ok,” “it’s not my job,” “I did it last time,” “the manual/policy states …”), actions (raising eyebrows, shrugging shoulders, nodding head, pursing lips) or a combination of these actions and words. Knowing our triggers will allow us to prepare appropriate responses prior to them actually occurring. This can result in avoiding (not fleeing), overreacting to and diffusing a potentially distressing situation.
What can we do to end a potentially TotalFBO®
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hazardous situation? There are several things we can do, depending on our involvement. There are two important points to remember that apply to all situations: 1. “Calm down,” “It’s not that bad,” or similar clichés only fuel the other person’s emotions. They have the exact opposite reaction. Think of how we feel when someone barks at us to “calm down” or patronizingly says “it really wasn’t that bad.” They interpret our response as minimizing their reaction (much like a parent can do with a child) or that we do not understand the severity of the situation. Either way, we are judging and chastising their reaction, much like calling them a name. The brain does not see a difference between a physical cut or bruise and a perceived attack. 2. We must acknowledge their reaction
before moving on to the real reason for their behavior. This is not to say we agree with how they are feeling (dejected, anxious, angry, embarrassed); it only says
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