E14
EZ EE
KLMNO The Post Puzzler No. 37 By Trip Payne Edited by Peter Gordon
www.fireballcrosswords.com
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2010
NICK GALIFIANAKIS FOR THE WASHINGTON POST
In this equation, X’s heart is two sizes too small
So, X and Y meet and marry midlife. X
has one child who lives with his ex-wife who is, if not independently wealthy, at least very comfortable (trust fund, etc.). X’s child spends every other weekend and holidays with him. X has no debt and plenty of assets. Y has three children whom she
supported with no help from their father. One is a college student, one is grown and married, one lives at home. Y has some debt, no assets. Both X and Y work full time and X makes three times what Y does. All is well, until the first Christmas. Y thinks the couple should spend
roughly equal amounts on each of the four children. X thinks that whatever amount Y spends on all three of her children is what he should spend on his child. He applies the same formula to birthdays. X says he would feel as if he were shorting his child if he followed Y’s plan. Y can see the logic of this, but it strikes her as unfair. Especially on Christmas morning when, under X’s plan Kid X would get the DVD player and Kid Y would get the DVD. What do you think? Bah-humbug
I think X is being obtuse, and Y is
doing little to sharpen his comprehension. To be fair, the DVD example is about
as sharp as an illustration gets of the unfairness of X’s “logic.” (Which, for the record, I absolutely do not “see.”) However, the part that X appears to
be missing is that Y (presumably) comes at this highly sensitized to inequity— specifically, financial inequity that stands as a symbol of emotional injustice.Her kids got a raw deal from their dad, so she mortgaged her future to support them solo. For her current husband to insist on
shorting her kids now, when his own child would be indulged, is a stunning display of insensitivity. X not only fails to appreciate the message her kids were
CAROLYN HAX
forced to receive in their father’s (at least economic) neglect, but also reiterates the message Y had to live with all those years—that she’s second- tier.
Certainly there are family configurations where it makes sense that each remarried parent is free to decide unilaterally how much to spend on his or her own kids from a prior marriage. When the pair remain financially independent, when there’s enough money for the discretionary spending of one spouse not to affect the other, when kids are grown and gone, and when history and baggage permit. But the X and Y configuration
involves kids still under one roof, financial strain and a bad case of ghosts. So for X to think the unequal- gift idea is even viable, either (1) Y hasn’t articulated her emotional case— and should, now; or (2) X hasn’t heard it (repeat Step 1); or (3) X doesn’t care. If it’s Door No. 3, then X isn’t obtuse,
but instead has a raincheck pad on the shelf where his heart should be. So for everyone’s sake, but particularly the children of both X and Y, I’mpulling for Door No. 1. Make your case, Y, clearly this time,
and find out now whether you chose an X who thinks just like your ex.
3Read the whole transcript or join the
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discussion live at noon Fridays at
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ASK AMY
Increasingly, family meals leave vegan steamed
I have been a vegetarian since the
1980s and a vegan for about 10
years.My family has always been critical ofmy choice to avoid animal products, but they have also been careful to offer plant- based food when I visit. Recently Imoved closer tomy family,
andwe meet for meals at least once a week.Whenthey eat atmy house, their contribution to dinner always contains meat. I don’t like it, but I don’t say anything, even when blood from a rare roast spilled all overmy counter. Lately they have been commenting that
it is a lot of trouble to provide food forme and that it ismy obligation to eatwhatever theymake. I always bring something to share, and I
amreally not picky—if all they can do is separate out a potato and some veggies before adding butter andmayonnaise, that is perfectly fine with me. Also, they think I should cookmeat disheswhen they visit because theymake vegetarian dishes for me. I lovemy family and I knowthey love
me, but this is starting tomakeme uncomfortable. I have tried talking with them about it, but they just saymy food choices are unreasonable. Please don’t suggest I start eating animal products, but what can I do to defuse this?
Vegan Victim
Because you and your family eat from opposite ends of the food chain, the most logical solution is that whoever hosts a meal in your family should provide the table, cutlery, a vegetable or fruit salad and his or her own entree. Anything additional should be carted in by the guest. Your diet is your choice, and it is not unreasonable. But this tussle about food is probably not only about food, but the playing out of a family dynamic that has been going on for some time. You will know you’ve successfully
handled this if you can get together with
your family without your diets being the main topic of conversation.
We have a rude and obnoxious in-law.
Fortunately his family lives in another city, andwe see them only at family gatherings. Mysiblings and I are pleasant and
nonaggressive toward him out of respect for the older generation. However, among ourselveswe let our feelings be known. Recentlywhenwewere all gathered for granddad’s birthday, I complimented this manabout his children; they are both preschoolers and sweet, lovely children. Myteenage daughter toldmethat I’ma
hypocrite for doing this. Do you think I am? Perplexed
The good news is that your teenage daughter has been listening. This is also the bad news, by the way, because what she has been hearing is some private carping about a family member. In her mind, she sees you behaving one way toward this person when you are with him and another way when he isn’t present. Teens have a highly developed
awareness of gossip and hypocrisy; they also enjoy correcting their parents. You should apologize to your daughter for exposing her to negative views about this family member. You should also tell your daughter that it is kind and generous to compliment children who are lovely and sweet, regardless of your opinion of the parent. Your remarkmay have lit the tiniest
spark that could lead to a better relationship among all of you. I certainly hope so.
Write to Amy Dickinson at
askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611. © 2010 by the Chicago Tribune
Distributed by Tribune Media Services
ARIES (March 21-April 19) True security comes in knowing you
can take care of yourself. Therefore, another person can’t really give it to you. Even so, avoid anyone who attempts to tamper with your inner belief in yourself.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20) You see beauty in situations and
people that others find commonplace or dull. This is a talent. Your ability to do this makes you a force of change.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21) You’re amazing in a pinch. It’s as if
you’ve known the problems before and all the fixes are at your fingertips. It’s as though you have an old head on young shoulders.
CANCER (June 22-July 22) You can work a situation out in your
head, but that will only give you a rough idea of how it will play out. Real life will rarely take the same twists and turns. Bottom line: You have to interact with others to know who you are.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) You are vastly informed on a variety of subjects, many of which are
TODAY’S HOROSCOPE Holiday Mathis
irrelevant to the action of the day. But your sharing of information brings a lively color to the goings-on.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Assume that your situation is going
to work out in a way that will help not only you, but those around you. When you refuse to worry, everything that was there to be worried about just melts away.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) What matters is not whether a decision was a good one, but whether it was made for a good reason. This should free you up some. You don’t have to worry about which step to take next; you just have to come from a good place.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) Your tongue is so sharp, it could cut
people. To prevent this, distance yourself with a social guard. Put on a happy smile, and be willing to extend the benefit of the doubt to all you meet.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) After careful deliberation and much dreaming, you’re ready to take risks to get what you want. After all, in order to get the fruit, you must go out on a limb.
CUL DE SAC Richard Thompson
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) It’s easy to point out how things
could have been done better. Anyone with half a brain can do that. You initiate an action, and you follow through. You are to be commended for this.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) You will be busy getting the kind of experience you can learn from. If you’re not sure precisely what the lesson is, don’t fret. You won’t fully understand or appreciate it until much later.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) There’s something you want that
you’ve been unable to afford. Is it really necessary, though? Think about this: Your life shines through the things you create, not the things you buy.
IF DEC. 19 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY Your opportunities will be numerous and exciting. The next six weeks bring home improvements and lifestyle upgrades. You get one-on-one time with a power player in January and make a favorable impression. February is kind to your bank account. Arelationship shift in March has you so much in love. Cancer and Pisces people adore you. ©2010
Creators.com
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