5 MINUTES


with DR. LAURA SCHLESSINGER Kids Are Not Furniture I


don’t get adults who fail to do the right thing in life and then call me, perplexed, when their kids go off track.


I only hope that those hearing the


troubled stories of parents like my recent caller Kate will work harder to keep things together. When we spoke, Kate was


wondering if maybe she and her husband were just too strict with their 16-year-old daughter, who constantly snuck around, lied, and broke the rules that she thought weren’t fair. Listen, all kids think their


parents are too strict. But, in this case, the chaos her stepdaughter came from was the family’s true problem. She was born to a drug- addicted mother and a father who never married the mom. But her dad did marry Kate, and then proceeded to have two more children. Why shouldn’t the


stepdaughter act like an out-of- control brat? Adults can be awfully thoughtless about their children, expecting them to move from one domestic situation to the next without complaint — like a piece of furniture. But, more often than not, kids whose lives have been screwed up are going to act out. When parents haven’t obeyed


any of the rules — not keeping the marriage together or not even bothering to get married — their children might wonder why they should have to follow rules. Your kids are going to respond to everything you’ve done wrong, and you probably won’t like it. Is there anything you can do to


salvage such a situation? If you’re in Kate’s shoes, with a child who is troubled and troublesome, the next


76 NEWSMAX MAXLIFE | MARCH 2024


best step you can take is to find a good psychotherapist who is trained to counsel families. And when everyone in the family


is sitting in the counselor’s office, the first thing that parents need to do is admit how they’ve screwed up and acknowledge that their children’s behavior is justified. Because so much of the time, the kid is not the problem — they are. The most typical call on this


subject is from women really disappointed, disgusted, and angry that their husbands do not “tame” their own children. The descriptions run the gamut: He gives them money whenever they ask and it doesn’t matter what


with me — just stonewalls. He pulls away from me and my marriage when I keep trying to get him to “man up” with his kids. I am clearly not his first priority. The children, whether they


lose a parent by death or divorce, will experience myriad emotions. Because they cannot enjoy daily interaction with both parents, they experience feelings of loss. When one of their parents


hooks up with someone new, they experience feelings of rejection. When their parents marry someone with children or make new children, their first children feel unimportant and put on a shelf. It is a wonder to me that so few people consider all of these realities. When I bring these issues up in


our conversation, the reaction is usually something along the lines of, “Yeah, I know . . . but” and then the conversation wanders into their own happiness and needs, as well as fantasies that The Brady Bunch is a slam dunk. I have to explain that they have


only three choices: 1. Keep complaining and being


unhappy in the hopes of a miracle. Meanwhile, the marriage is tanked. 2. Stop complaining and just decide to be happy within the confines of the marriage and try


it is for. I watch them just waste financial opportunities to just “get stuff.” He gives them money without


either checking with me or considering my point of view. He allows them access to “our”


home without my knowledge or agreement. He lets them get away with saying


the most horrible things to him. He says nothing when they are


rude or mean to me. He won’t talk about these issues


to let the rest of it roll. 3. Leave. I suspect that the 70% divorce


rate in these situations implies that 1 and 2 don’t work that well. Stepfamily choices don’t have a


high success rate when children of any age are involved. People need to be more prepared


and spend time in pre-stepfamily counseling, involving all parties, no matter what age, before a marriage occurs.


Listen to Dr. Laura on SiriusXM Channel 111, Mon.–Sat. 2–6pm ET, Sun. 5–9pm ET.


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