OFFHIRE
Roy has seen them all in the hire game, although he doesn’t seem to have much luck recruiting truck drivers – some, it seems, are never satisfied. However, he’ll have the last laugh yet…
CHIMPS VS FOXES I
n all my years in hire I have had one area of the business which has been the bane of my life – truck
drivers!
I’ve had them all, from old-sweats who have a single- speed (dead-slow) to young bucks who do everything at a million miles per hour, but also drivers who have a tendency to make stupid mistakes and do their level best to destroy the truck they’re provided with. The grumpy Jackass who thinks he’s the only one who does any work and every other team member is a raving imbecile. The ex-Forces sergeant who thinks the way to get on is to just shout at everyone.
Am I in a minority, or am I about as good at driver recruitment as a one-legged man at a bum kicking contest? A close friend, who also runs a hire business, calls them ‘Truck Chimps’ – individuals who are such an important part of the chain, but whatever you do you can never satisfy.
This week was a new low. One of our trucks was in for its first MOT. This entails it going to the dealership for three days with (all being well) it returning to the fleet. As we are reasonably busy, we decided to hire in a truck to cover. A whole afternoon was wasted on the internet and the phone trying to locate a suitable beavertail plant truck. Well, it seems it is easier to locate an honest and truthful politician than such a vehicle at the moment. However, after much effort and grinding of teeth we came across a not entirely suitable vehicle, but as the old saying goes, ‘beggars can’t be choosers’. At the princely sum of £800.00 per week, we paid up front for this vehicle, which upon collection was, shall we say, not in its first flush of youth! A 2014 DAF truck rolled in, much to the disgust of the driver who would be tasked with using it.
Day one went reasonably quietly, but this was just the lull before the storm. I was soon interrupted on a phone call to something of a commotion in our hire office. I walked in to a torrential sound of abuse between said Truck Chimp and the hire manager. It seems he was disgusted that I had deliberately and maliciously hired an ‘old knacker’ with a manual gearbox, poor suspension, lousy air conditioning and crap power steering. In fact, he had developed a repetitive strain injury from using the gear lever – I kid you not!!
Now this is the same character who along with his colleagues has just had a 27% pay increase because of the national shortage of HGV Drivers. All of the trucks are fully specced and in fact they are all given an additional £2,000 worth of extras, such as leather seat, leather steering wheel and chrome mirror backs. The last time I checked, none of these features gives us any additional revenue or make the vehicle go faster. They are there just to placate our Truck Chimps, who strut around like they’re God’s Gift to the business and we should all develop ‘Cherry-Blossom Poisoning’ from kissing their boots.
Discretion being the better part of valour, we let him rant and stomp off in a huff. But this wily old fox will have his day. At overtime distribution or pay rise review time, or when there are favours to be offered. This fox has a long memory and the balance of national driver availability is bound to settle back and, somewhat unusually for a fox, I have a deadly aim and Chimp could be on the menu very soon!
Happy (Chimp-Free) Hiring
32 Executive Hire News - July/August 2022
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