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Pg 6 • August 2020 • UPBEAT TIMES, INC.


Submit your good news here: upbeat.news@upbeattimes.com UPBEAT LIVING I Need A Break by Marcia Singer ~ www.lovearts.info


Sonoma County, CA. ~ I need a break from all the drama: maybe you can relate? It so happens that I also’ve been writing a column in my neighborhood monthly, and the first two years were just for fun.


May


you find something herein to tickle your personal funny bone –or yer fancy. Laugh- ter, smirks, even groaners are such good meds. Let’s be immune to worry, for a bit here?


OK, Now Getting Down To Some Funny Business…


1. Sherlock turns to Wat- son, “The murderer lives in that house with the yellow door. “How’d you deduce that?!” says his partner. Sherlock calmly replies, “It is lemon entry, my dear Watson.”


2. A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender refuses to serve him. The string goes outside, ties itself in a bow, rolls on the


piece of string?” de- mands the bartender. To which the string replies, “No I’m a frayed knot.”


Speeka da Engleesh? 1. In a Copenhagen air- line ticket office: “We take your bags and send them in all directions.”


2. In a Norwegian cock- tail lounge: “Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”


3. In a Budapest zoo: Join us in the


Caribbean Thanksgiving 2021 departing from New Orleans


ground a bit, re-enters the bar and sits down. “Aren’t you the same


”Please do not feed the animals. If you brought food, give it to the guard on duty.”


4. In a Roman doctor’s office: “Specialists in women and other diseases.”


5. In an Acapulco hotel: “The man- ager has person- ally passed all the water served here.”


6. In a Tokyo shop: “Our nylons cost more than


common, but best in the long run.”


7. Instruction booklet on using a Japanese hotel air conditioner: “If you want to just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.”


8. From a brochure of a Tokyo car rental firm: “When a passenger of food heave in sight, too- tle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.”


9. Two from Majorcan shop entrances: “En- glish well talking.” “Here speeching American.”


10. Chinatown, S.F.: “Chance Employment Agency”


11. Chinatown, S.F.: “Sincere Bank”


Jackie and Barry Duncan


707-595-4080 gocruiseandmore.com FLST# 39068 | CST# 2034468-50 | HST# TAR-7058 | WAST# 603-399-504


. Pg 6 • August 2020 • UPBEAT TIMES, INC.


12. On an ice cream truck in Singapore: “Revel in Ice Cream”


Grammar in Headlines… (Is There An Editor In The House?)


1. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim


2. Dealers Will Hear Car Talk At Noon


3. Lawmen From Mexico Barbeque Guests


4. Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy


5. Two sisters reunite after 18 years at check- out counter


6. Experts say something went wrong in jet crash


7. Man is fatally slain


8. Cold wave linked to temperatures


Vocab Rehab 1. Intaxication: euphoria at getting a tax refund, lasting until you realize it was your money to start with


2. Arachnoleptic fit: a frantic dance performed just after accidentally walking into a spider web


3. Caterpallor: the color you turn when finding half a worm in the apple you’re eating


4. Dopeler Effect: ten- dency of dumb ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly


Gluten Free Bread A fellow in “male meno- pause” asked his elderly pal what his secret was for having plenty of en- ergy and stamina for his


continued on page 9 JOKES & Humor # 2 & 2.5


paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man’s attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puz- zled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. “What’s this?” she asked. “That’s the $8,000 you have coming Sister,” he replied. “Don’t Despair paid 80-to-1.”


Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the ges- ture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below. Quickly, she wrote, “Don’t despair. Sister Barbara,” on a piece of


Joke 2.5


A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as, “Take with food,” and “Take with water.”


At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels. Days later he noticed that one member of the class had affixed one of them onto his chemistry textbook. It read: “Caution: May cause extreme drowsiness.”


Genius is


nothing but a great aptitude


for patience. George-Louis de Buffon


Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius. ~ George Bernard Shaw


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