into the different forms of communication are interesting and probably accurate, they are pretty much irrelevant. The more relevant truth is that human beings actually communicate quite well. Take Marla and Rudy: the reality that they courted, com- mitted and married is an indication they were able to commu- nicate nicely in the past. That Marla can say, “We’re still miser- able with each other,” is an indication that each currently knows precisely how she or he feels and how the spouse feels. The Family Systems perspective is that we already know how to communicate, but we don’t recognize the emotional realities underlying our communication—neither what others are trying to express to us or what we are trying to express to others. Im- portantly, recognizing the emotional state of those we are inter- acting with tends to make them “transparent” to us, therefore enabling us to respond to others in pertinent ways that directly address our concerns and theirs. Going back to Marla and Rudy, Dr. Loeb asked them to


describe what was going on in their lives when they first experi- enced dramatic conflict. Almost immediately the couple devolved into a heated dispute over Marla’s mother, Marianne, and the friction between her and Rudy. Dr. Loeb asked each of them to describe how her or his spouse related to Marianne. As they related the repeated behaviors each had witnessed, Dr. Loeb asked them to guess what underlying emotions were causing these interactions. Before long they came to a revealing insight: Dr. Loeb: “So your mom eventually decided she didn’t trust


Rudy to be a good husband for you? What was it he did that caused that?”


Marla: “Oh, it was when he began to travel constantly be- cause of his job.” Dr. Loeb: “Why would that make a difference?” Marla: “Because that’s what my dad did a couple years before


he left Mom.” As the session proceeded, the spouses grew quieter, more


reflective and much less anxious as they deliberated over the emotional processes that underpinned the way they related to one another. They were surprised to discover the degree to which their own emotions—and thus their conflicted interactions—were in large measure a response to the concerns, anxiety and demands of people outside their relationship. Late in the session, Rudy remarked, “For the longest time I thought we just hated each other. Now I feel like we’re really surrogates for other folks’ wor- ries.”


Overcoming the conflict in relationships from a Family Sys-


tems perspective includes several steps—none of which involve relearning how to communicate from a different planet or gender. The first and most important step is asking the question “what are the emotional realities that the other person is feeling and that I am feeling.” Typically, if we have been involved in any relationship long enough for friction to develop, we have some ability to grasp the emotional state of other individuals. Some- times we simply cannot grasp why someone is reacting to us as they do. In such instances, non-threatening questions often help us get at what someone is feeling: Husband: “When we changed plans at the last minute, you


got really angry—so much so that I was surprised and at first I got mad too. But what was it that upset you so?” Wife: “This is always the way it is. You make me move heaven-and-earth to get ready for a trip or an event and then it’s,


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