BERNIE By Bernie Siegel, MD
What Does Every Woman Want? M
any years ago a childhood friend of mine, due to a gambling addiction, got into a diffi cult situation involv- ing some very signifi cant debts. One day he shared with me that the organized crime group involved had threatened to break every bone in his body—or worse—if he did not pay up. He said when he told them he had no funds available and asked if he could repay the debt in some other way he was told that if he mar- ried the crime lord’s daughter they would let him off.
He said the offer was made because, “she was an ugly witch
you could smell a mile away.” The problem was that, unbeknownst to the underworld characters involved, my friend was already mar- ried. He said he felt there was no hope for him, and his addiction would cost him his life. At this point I volunteered to marry the witch and save him. He argued, but I persisted. To make a long sto- ry short, the marriage was arranged and a few weeks later the witch and I were wed at a big blast in a well known New York Hotel.
I did the best I could to put on a pleasant face for the evening but as it grew late I told my bride I needed to go to our hotel room and get some rest and she agreed to come with me. When we got to the room I went into the bathroom to catch my breath and try to fi gure out how I was going to manage to just get through the night—let alone the years that lay ahead of us. After spending as much time as I could in hiding I stepped out of the bathroom to fi nd a beautiful woman sitting on the edge of the bed.
“Where’s my wife?” I asked. “It’s me. Now that you are my husband I can reveal to you
that a spell was cast upon me. I am a beautiful woman for twelve hours and a witch for twelve hours. Now that you are my husband my schedule is your choice. I can be beautiful during the day and impress the neighbors or at night for your pleasure. Tell me what you would prefer.”
I knew from my mother’s wisdom that there was only one correct answer and I shared it with her, “Do what will make you happy.”
She answered, “You have freed me from the spell. I can be beautiful twenty four hours a day now.” And she has for over fi fty years.
What does every woman want? A life of her own! It is vital for
women who want to remain healthy to do what feels right so that it is not an intellectual decision as to whether you have a career or become a housewife. I have a drawing by a woman entitled, “Will the real me please stand up.” She drew a picture of herself split down the middle with half being the professional holding a black purse and the other half, the mommy, holding her daughter’s hand. It doesn’t take an art therapist to see who is smiling and who is frowning and which one her heart desires to be. So do not wait for a life threatening illness to give you permission to go home and be with your child. I will also add that if the desire of others imposes the life of a homemaker upon you and you want to be a lawyer or opera singer, do what makes you happy.
If you have twin sisters—one of whom always strives to please her parents, make everyone happy by doing whatever they want and be a good girl who internalizes anger—while her sister is a little devil who drives everyone nuts and expresses her feelings, guess who is more likely to develop breast cancer, autoimmune diseases and more. Of course everyone answers the good girl, and studies show you are correct.
Relationships are work because they relate to creating a third entity and are not about personal benefi ts. How to decide what to do relates to your health. If the relationship is affecting your health then I would say to eliminate it and love from a distance. However, if your health is not at risk then ask yourself how could love resolve this dilemma? Love is a weapon I recommend. You can kill with kindness, torment with tenderness and become blind to faults, with love. So construct your life out of the bricks of love but never forget to use humor as the cement that helps to hold the bricks together. I will also prescribe a dog or cat for you and do not ever let the child in you die. They will create healing relationships and teach you to live in the moment.
For many, Dr. Bernard Siegel-or Bernie, as he prefers to becalled-needs no introduction. He has touched many lives all overthe Planet. In 1978, he reached a national and then international audience when he began talking about patient empowerment and the choice to live fully and die in peace. As a physician
who has cared for and counseled innumerable people whose mor- tality has been threatened by illness, Bernie embraces a philosophy of living and dying that stands at the forefront of the medical ethics and spiritual issues our Society grapples with today. Read Bernie’s regular blog posts on his website where you will also fi nd his books, articles, and CDs:
http://www.berniesiegelmd.com.
34 ELM Maine - November/December 2017
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