ER 18
RegardingMen This is my 18th year of writing
Sharing What I’ve Learned 3. Honor your commitments. If
articles for this column. They are part of my commitment to my own growth that is ongoing and keeps me awake and conscious as to what is important and how I want to be and to live. It is also my commit- ment to men who like me are chal- lenged by life’s events and also want to live fulfilling lives for them- selves and for the important people in their lives. I’ve learned a lot in life through
successes and errors, and I’m still learning and growing and have a desire to share. My intention in writing these articles is to present the things I’ve learned in a clean, simple, fast and direct way which I believe is the way we men like it. Having said all that, this article
is about key concepts that I have tried to integrate into my life. Entire books have been written on each of these and here I am simply presenting them bullet like for your consideration. They are not in a particular order and they are all important guides for us men to be conscious of. 1. Feel your feelings. If we stay
in our heads and don’t express the actual feelings, no communication or intimacy really occurs. It behooves us to learn what feelings are and learn how to express them. In general, we men have a lot to learn about this. It’s easy to go into anger, blame, judgment or criti- cisms, harder to know what we are actually feeling. 2. Tell the truth. Not just the
truth of facts but especially the truth of feelings. When we withhold the truth from others or from ourselves there is a disconnect that can’t be bridged. It also causes anxiety. It’s scary but ultimately liberating to tell the truth. It’s very vulnerable to tell the truth. We men need great encouragement to be vulnerable and to believe that it is a strength and not a weakness.
you say it, mean it and do it. Don’t make a commitment at work or in relationships or with children if you are giving yourself an escape clause. Commitments can be large such as marriage or signing con- tracts and smaller such as following through with what we promise our children. 4. Don’t compromise yourself.
Wemen aremost unhappy when we are compromising ourselves at work or in relationships. Often we do know deeply what is true and right for us as well as for others but deny or hedge. We cannot be at peace or happy if we deny or com- promise our values or who we truly are. There is a scene at the end of American Sniper that my clients and I have discussed which is a great example of this point. Let’s walk the talk. 5. Live simply. By this, I mean,
not be owned by things and money. We tend to imprison ourselves with “golden chains” of gadgets, cars, and thousands of things we think we can’t live without. This does not mean you give everything to the poor and live in a hut. It means going from “loving things and using people” to “loving people and using things”. It means getting out of debt, giving away what is surplus and what we don’t need, eating and cooking at home more often, and boycotting holiday or cultural mad- ness. 6. Dedicate yourself to service.
We don’t have to quit our jobs and work in soup kitchens forever. It simplymeans that our work and our energy should be directed in some way to supporting or giving to oth- ers. When we are of service, our work has meaning and more joy. We have to constantly be aware of how we are managing this concept.
ByJosephMaurino 7. Commit to a personal spiritu-
al practice. This could be with orga- nized religion, as long as it is not perfunctory, superficial, phony or just out of habit. Spiritual lifemeans we are aware of the bigger picture of life and death. My orientation in my work is what I’ve called “psy- cho-spiritual”, mind and bigger pic- ture. It’s using Divine Universal Guidance to help us conduct our lives. 8. Take responsibility for your-
self. No blaming others: the weath- er, the economy, our parents, our spouses, the boss etc. This is crucial. We have to own our thoughts, our feelings, our actions, our choices. We made them. Nobody else “made me feel...”, “made me do…” etc. We have to take full responsibility and own all of it. 9. Stay conscious. “Stay awake
at the wheel” (two past articles ded- icated to this topic). If we are not present and awake, we are asleep or in the past or future. If we don’t stay conscious, we can run into a tree and wreak havoc for ourselves or others. Can you imagine how whole we
would, could be if we remembered these? And, finally, to sum up, let’s humbly acknowledge that we are good and loving men, also imper- fect but committed to our growth into the fullest men we can be. We are all walking the path!
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Joseph is a Licensed Clinical
Social Worker who practices in Paramus, NJ. He specializes in sup- porting males of all ages to deal with issues particular to men. Joseph also does couple to couple counseling with his wife, Marina. He can be reached at 201- 261-9129
Inner Realm ~ 2017 ~
www.innerrealm.net
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