EXPLORING INTERNATIONAL EDUCATION


Human beings seek control over the parameters of their existence. The long-term absence of control over these parameters can lead to two alternatives: angry rebellion or learned helplessness. (A word of reassurance to parents of rebellious teens: angry rebellion is healthier than learned helplessness. The ego is at least fighting for survival, rather than giving up.)


Against this backdrop, it becomes important to give youngsters choices about things that reasonably belong in their domain. Such choices can be large ones, like which school to attend, or seemingly minimal ones, like what to wear or what to have for lunch. Supporting a child’s ability to choose, through times when so much for them feels out of control, helps build a confident child. See Martin Seligman’s The Optimistic Child for more ideas.


7. WELCOME OUR DIFFICULT FEELINGS In my experience of


counselling children around


mobility issues, it’s the feeling that they don’t have permission to have negative feelings that leads to trouble. Many children feel under pressure from their parents


(‘Why can’t you just be positive for a change?’) or their environment (‘You’re so lucky to be going to live abroad!’) to bury negative feelings. But buried negative feelings pop up unpredictably later in life.


When children are allowed to have negative feelings, and when they’re encouraged to express such feelings within appropriate bounds (‘We get it that you’re mad about being here, and that’s fine, but we expect you not to insult anybody in the process’), these feelings get validated and ultimately relax.


8. LISTEN TO US REFLECTIVELY Beyond simply listening, you can practise reflective


listening with children. This means listening for the core message in what a child is saying. When you ‘hear’ the core message (by reading between the lines), repeat it back, perhaps in a tenuous fashion (such as in a question), to see if you have it right. If your intention is to truly understand the child, you cannot go wrong. Even if you do get it wrong, your positive intention


will shine through, and the child is likely to correct you. For example, if your ten-year-old comes home from school, throws his backpack on the floor, and screams, ‘I hate it here! I was all by myself at lunch again!’, then – after taking a deep breath or two – you could say, ‘Wow. You are furious with this place and with us. You sound like you want to go back home right now’. A ten-year-old’s anger may melt into tears at that moment, and you will be able to console him. The art of reflective listening entails remembering that listening well


does not mean agreeing. See Faber and Mazlish’s How To Talk So Children Will Listen and Listen So Children Will Talk for more tips on listening well.


9. HELP US PICK ‘PIVOTAL’ PEOPLE Human beings don’t exist in vacuums. We need to be seen and recognised to feel real and safe. If this were not true, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram would not have drawn the billions of devotees they have.


If mobility causes your child to feel their identity has been erased, this may be as a result of the loss of trusted audiences. The trick is to maintain ‘pivotal people’ who aren’t moving; people who are staying put and are a trusted audience, around whom your child’s story can rotate. Invite friends, aunts, uncles, coaches, close neighbours – anyone who is not moving and who has been important in your child’s life – to be a ‘pivotal person’ for them. Ask these people to drop a line once a month, for six months or so, just to check in on your child, to ask how things are going, and to hear about the new life.


10. MAINTAIN SOME OF OUR TRADITIONS The experience of mobility shifts everything in our


landscape. In such a situation, the human psyche desperately gropes for things that have remained the same. Most families maintain some continuity in space by bringing furniture, pictures, and precious objects with them.


Continuity in time is equally important. It can be


cultivated by doing certain things you used to do, at the same time in your new place. Perhaps you used to kick a ball with your child after work, or your family enjoyed brunch every Sunday, or you went to the movies on the first Friday of the month. By taking such traditions with you wherever you go, you create continuity for your family in both space and time. See The Intentional Family, by William Doherty, for more ideas.


Everything this article has discussed is just as true for those who get left behind. And this is the nature of the expatriate existence: people we care for leave us regularly, throwing us into transition even though we haven’t packed a single suitcase. Any of the tips discussed here are as relevant when your child’s best friend moves away as when your child is the one who is on the move.


Douglas Ota was for many years a counsellor at the American School of The Hague. He is now a registered child psychologist in private practice. He consults with international schools and organisations on building programmes to address the challenges and opportunities of mobility.


Keep Informed | relocateglobal.com |


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