Like an adult missing their front teeth, I was so keenly aware that my home didn’t have a mother in it to bake cookies, plait my hair, or do tuck shop.


represented love (to me), so I lit a candle every day and just prayed for forgiveness, compassion, and understanding. Nothing elaborate or fancy. My paramour was away in the desert


for that time packing up his life. In my solitude I had the space to let this daily intent permeate my awareness and my world. Two months later I was at a Mother’s


Day yoga class. At the end of the class we had to send love and gratitude to our mothers. That opened the floodgates and I finished the class with a very soggy yoga mat.


BRING THREE GENERATIONS TOGETHER A few hours later I was painting my office and a question flashed through my mind: I wonder if my daughter would like to meet her maternal grandmother? That evening when I asked her, she told me her partner had just asked her the very same thing. For a woman never ever mentioned, twice in one day seemed to me to be a sign for action. Fast-forward ten days. Both my


daughter and I were in mother’s living room with my half-brother. Thanks to Uncle Google, I found her first go. I approached her with flowers and


a hug at the door. This melted her defensiveness. My spontaneous words; “it’s all right” softened her. Then she held me tight. I could feel


her tiny, sparrow-like body frame. This woman didn’t make sense to me, and I couldn’t connect with her as my mother. We only spent an hour together. That was enough. And I’ve seen her probably about five times since. It was – and still is – a very strange feeling looking at her and trying to fathom that woman is actually my mother – she gave birth to me. I don’t have that. Not really a yearning


to make up for lost time either. I don’t have any sense of ‘let's make it all better’. Even now, years later, I can’t fathom the complexity of this paradox, and I’ve given up trying. Now my mother and I speak on the phone every few weeks. I don’t call her Mum. We don’t really have a great deal in common, but it doesn’t matter. Today her happiness at seeing me


moves me so deeply and gives me much joy. In these moments I am unable to speak. Last Christmas Eve she got dressed up in her finest to meet me for an hour for a cappuccino at Gloria Jeans. The spark in her eyes was beautiful.


OPENING THE DOOR After that evening of our meeting my life slowly but surely changed. I looked less for outside reassurance that I’m enough as I am. Even though this feeling didn’t entirely leave, it was abated. I sank into that relationship with my


younger yogi. We lived in a beautiful beachside home where we laughed and


healed a lot. I rebuilt my life – only to break it down 18 months later when this relationship finished and catalysed a new pathway of growth.


FAST-FORWARD FIVE YEARS Now with a strong life direction, a man who is my true partner so firmly beside me; my daughter, her partner, and three granddaughters living a seven-minute drive down the hill, I know none of this would be possible had I not taken that critical step of forgiving my mother. Forgiving my mother for abandoning


me as a small child ultimately led to starting to forgive myself for everything I decided and lived out as a consequence. My life is very much a work in progress and I know that the journey to attaining true self-worth is a life-long quest. Whilst the journey towards self-worth


is a very humbling one, I know that compassion and forgiveness really do work. I also learned that to forgive is to make a stand for yourself; it’s an act of love for you, not necessarily the other person. Forgiveness creates the doorway


to our inner transformation, which ultimately propels the outer transformation of our lives. What’s deepest in our hearts now has the possibility to really show up. n


Connect with other readers & comment on this article at www.livingnow.com.au


Trudy Johnston, founder of The Butterfly, Temple has a vision that by 2020 all the 3.8 billion women and girls on this planet sees themselves


as beautiful, just as they are, irrespective of how they look, body size or age.


ANNE WILSON SCHAEF VIA VIDEO CONFERENCE SYDNEY, 20TH


OF MAY 2017


Dr Anne Wilson Schaef is a New York Times best seller with over 5.5 million books in print, including her most recent books, There will be a Thousand Years of Peace and Prosperity and They Will be Ushered in by the Women, and Daily Reminders for Living a New Paradigm.


Schaef will speak on “Participating in Planetary Progress”. More information and to register go to www.annewilsonschaef.com/participate


MAY 2017 7


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