12 San Diego Reader November 3, 2016


Walter


Mencken’s


SD ON THE QT


Hillary Clinton smilingly carries a bag of “imported Colombian coffee” through one of the Juarez Cartel’s many tunnels between the United States and Mexico as a sign of friendly trade relations to come. “I was really touched by her willingness to actually get down under the ground and walk with us,” says tunnel rat Ernesto Cabrillo, pictured. “If I was a citizen of the United States, and also not a convicted felon, she would definitely have my vote.”


It Takes a [Tunnel Between] Village[s]


Juarez Cartel endorses Hillary Clinton for United States President


“The decision to endorse Hill- ary Clinton for president of the United States was not an easy one,” says Juarez Cartel head Vicente Carillo Fuentes. “Donald Trump has histori- cally been friendly to those who share his entrepreneur- ial spirit, who are willing to take great risks in order to win great rewards. He is also a friend to the wealthy, and let’s face it, a substan- tial chunk of what we sell is aimed at the 1 percent. The poor we will always have with us, as Jesus says, but if Hillary raises taxes on the super rich, it might mean a shrinking market for our more premium products. Also, increased bor- der security under a Trump administration would create additional demand for the use


of our tunnels by desperate souls eager to enter the United States, which means more profit for us. And finally, a nation that elects Donald Trump president is very much a nation looking for new ways to perceive reality. And we can help with that. “But in the end,” continues


Fuentes, “we had to go with the candidate who has proven friendly to foreign donations, who dreams of more open borders and the free exchange of goods across those borders, and who is highly unlikely to nuke Juarez. Hillary under- stands that we are not bad hombres, but rather, the kind of hard-working, disciplined, innovative people that Amer- ica needs — now more than ever.”


“When I first heard the news about a truck dropping into Chicano Park,” says Mayor Faulconer, “I naturally assumed it was just another campaign maneuver from the Trump camp. But when I learned that the truck claimed the lives of four people, I real- ized my mistake. Not even Trump would commit murder this close to election day. No, this was a horrific accident, one that is all the more tragic


Warning sign adorning a concrete support near where a truck, allegedly driven by a drunken Navy technician, careened off the highway ramp overhead and crushed four people.


because it could have been avoided, if only the founders of Chicano Park had picked


It Ain’t Gonna Legalize Itself Supporters of marijuana legalization advocate shutting down dispensaries for election day


“We got the idea from our good friends in the pornog- raphy business, actually,” says Prop 64 organizer Billy Bong- water. “Remember when all those porn sites blocked access to California IP addresses in order to raise awareness of Proposition D? The one that would require wood-wilting


condoms for all professional porn shoots in the state? This is sort of like that. We’re clos- ing down for election day, and in so doing, we’re asking our customers who already have legal access to weed to please think of all the wannabe ston- ers out there who don’t have the time or energy to go to a


Sign that Bongwater hopes will appear on medical marijuana dispensary doors this election day.


doctor and ask for a medical marijuana prescription. Who are stuck at home on their


Almost factual news The Truck Buck Stops Here San Diego mayor takes action in wake of Chicano Park truck tragedy


a safer location. Some place away from massive over- passes carrying hur- tling vehicles full of drunken members of the U.S. military. But we can’t change his- tory, and in this case, we can’t do much about the future,


either: Chicano Park is where Chicano Park is. All we can do is take steps to try to pre-


vent this kind of awful thing from ever happening again. That’s why my administra- tion is placing ‘falling truck hazard’ signs on every one of the concrete supports holding up the overpass. I realize that this may cause some further distress within the Hispanic community, due to the col- orful murals that are painted on those supports. But you can’t put a price, aesthetic or monetary, on safety.”


couches playing Playstation and dreaming of the day when they can just grow their own, or better still, pop down to 7-Eleven and pick up a gram along with their microwave burritos. Hopefully, going without for a day will inspire our regulars to think of the community at large and not just their own jones. Plus, if they’re not high, they’re less likely to forget — or decide against — voting altogether.”


BREAKING BAD POLICE SKETCH EDITION


Jesse Pinkman liked to call people “bitch” and had unhealthy relationships with women.


This Santee suspect made lewd comments to an 18-year-old girl before grabbing her and trying to drag her into his car.


Gustavo Fring was a meth kingpin who was uncovered when he tried to kill an old man.


This National City suspect is wanted for questioning in the death of a 92-year- old woman.


Walter White was transformed from a middle-aged loser to an omniscient, death-dealing crimi- nal by his involve- ment with meth.


This middle-aged Imperial Beach suspect was likely transformed by meth into a tattooed loser who tried to kidnap an 11-year-old boy.


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