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Dear Hipster: Election is almost upon us! Who will you (and the rest
of the hipsters) vote for? — DAWN
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HIPSTER@SDREADER.COM
I actually thought I was going to get away with not fielding this par- ticular inquiry. Silly me.
To tell you the truth, I wouldn’t have
been able to answer this before yesterday. But my hipster prayers have been answered, for yesterday I heard about Joe Exotic. Maybe it’s his
Hipster: How long have you had your column? Isn’t there some rule that says you’ve aged out of hipsterdom? Don’t hipsters follow a modified Logan’s Run rule? What gives?
— DAN
Dan. My man. Haven’t I made it clear before? Hipsters don’t age, they just change scene. In the past two and a half years, I have barely scratched the surface of this topic. They say that 86 percent of the world’s
species remain unknown. I would hazard that 99.9 percent of the world’s hipsters remain undescribed by science. Clearly, my mission is vast and (ahem) deserving of many large government grants. If hipsterism is a finite natural resource,
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we are still in the early days of the Texas oil boom. If the hipster world is anything like Middle Earth, Frodo hasn’t even left the Shire yet. If explaining all that is hipster is the liter- ary equivalent of a roomful of monkeys typing out the Great American Novel, well, the monkeys and I are only half- way through Edgar Huntley 1 and I need to take a break to unstick the keys on my vintage Underwood. If a thousand
hipsters snarked for a thousand years, they could barely begin to describe all the random hipster shit I have yet to translate into 550 pithy words of “wisdom” every week. The job is not yet done, my friend, so
stick with me.
incomprehensible and useless website, with
the buttons that go nowhere; or maybe it’s the sprawlingYouTube rants, where Joe Exotic (né “Joseph Maldonado”) fol- lows his own nonlinear thoughts into the dark and musty corners of the Florid- ian mind lurking beneath that gloriously bleached mullet. Maybe it’s just his kick-ass Insta-
gram game. Either way, JoeExoticismyman.
Logan's Run doesn't fit bill as frightening hipster allegory
You know how long I’ve been wanting one of those hybrid cats that swims and playsfetch? I wouldname him Zach Morris, and I would get him a fake ser- vice-animal vest so he could fly on planes with me. I would ask the flight attendants if they had any live mice or, barring that, if they wouldn’t mind if the little guy for- aged in the hold. But what good would that do me if I can’t take Zach Morris to Aus- tralia, Massachu- setts, or Texas? Well, Joe Exotic has the answer. He is going to build... well, not a wall, per se, but a vaguely wall- like metaphori- calstructure of pure exotic ani- mal diplomacy, andhe’sgoing to make the Aus-
tralians pay for that wall-like structure,
and then I can take my dangerous wild animal exciting hybrid pet wherever I damn well please. Because America, meow.
— DJ Stevens
San Diego Reader November 3, 2016 11
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