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CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 20 Even cautious, pragmatic and serious souls sometimes feel as if there's nothing they can't achieve. Tere was another famous Capricorn who sometimes felt as if there was nothing he couldn’t achieve, wasn’t there. Praise him. Tat’s right, Lemmy. And he didn’t get where he got by being cautious, pragmatic or serious. Born to lose, lived to win, killed by death. Be more like Lemmy.

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18 People who take fiercely strong moral positions can create as many tensions and troubles as those who are happy to break rules, ignore niceties and ride roughshod over ethical considerations. Well fuck both/either of those guys, oh witty Aquarius. Tey both/either sound like a massive ball- ache to be around, and no one needs that kind of bullshit.

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20 Te more energy you dedicate to some problems, the more likely you are to exacerbate them. Oh, lazy Pisces, blah, blah, blah. Fucking whatever.

own, which leaves them out in the cold, living in shit for another year. Oh loyal Cancer, don’t trust the man in the tower.

LEOJUL 23 - AUG 22 'Every time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven...' wrote lyricist Johnny Burke. ‘Don't you know each cloud contains pennies from heaven?’ he continued. ‘You'll find your fortune's fallin' all over the town,’ he portended, before sagely advising, ‘be sure that your umbrella is upside down’. To catch all the pennies. Smart man.

ARIESMAR 21 - APR 19 Tere's a chance for you to go riding to the rescue. But, before you put on that metaphorical suit of armour and go charging off on your figurative white steed, you should ask yourself, “is my energy being wisely spent?” I’m all for a bit of gallantry, oh impulsive Aries, but if you’re going to kill a dragon, make sure it’s guarding a shit ton of gold, not a ton of gold shit.

GEMINIMAY 21 - JUN 20 Sometimes, we don't really know what we think about someone or something, until we try to articulate our point of view. With that in mind, oh clever Gemini, I advise talking absolutely constantly. Tat way you’ll always know what is going on. Simply talk talk talk. Talky talky talk talk. Or, if you’re a writer, just type the first thing that comes into your head and consider it done.

VIRGOAUG 23 - SEP 22 You're going back to somewhere you once thought you might never return. Tis much is true. Te only question is, how will you be getting there? Will you be elevated to greater heights, back to a place of happiness and wonder you once loved? Or, will you be forced kicking and screaming back to whence you came, like Kevin Bacon reduced to flogging 4G. Oh, analytical Virgo, think about that.

LIBRASEP 23 - OCT 22 We think we know so much, yet in reality we know so little. It’s only when you know that, that you truly know anything. Of course then, when you think you know everything, you realise that you don’t. You know nothing. Oh, vain Libra, know know, know know know know, know know know know, know know,

there’s no limits. To the things that you don’t know.

TAURUSAPR 20 - MAY 20 'When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.’ So said Jimi Hendrix. Later, Huey Lewis and the News ran with the idea, suggesting that it can make one man weep and another sing. Jenifer Rush stimulated the debate with the admission that she was ready to learn about it, while Frankie used it to clean his ‘sole. Oh, patient Taurus, apart from Hendrix, they were all number one in the same year. True story.

CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22 Imagine that you have to defend a fortress. Don’t wait for people to attack, instead tell them that they are invited to a party at the castle. Ten, at the last minute when they are preparing to enter, you simply tell them to fuck off. Tey’ll be unprepared, and they won’t have the resources to attack the castle on their

10 / June 2016/

SCORPIOOCT 23 - NOV 21 You are concentrating on an intense situation. It’s what you live for, isn’t it, oh passionate Scorpio? You love it. Te rush, the heat, the sand, the lashing of your poisonous tail. Aaargh! Your poisonous tail. YOUR POISONOUS TAIL! Stop wading in all fucking Billy Big Tail, with your exoskeleton and that. Reveal your meat.

SAGITTARIUSNOV 22 - DEC 21 Most of us imbue abstract notions with names and personalities. Well, unemotional and independent Sagittarius, if this is true, then your emotions would be embodied by a creepy old man that everyone is afraid to go near because he once spat at a bus, and your independence would be an Iceland microwave meal for one. Sort it out.


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