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Out on DVD this month

Hullo? Hollywood? It's ligindiry Ozzy wroitah/doirectah George Miller heyah. Yeah, that's rhoit, tha

blahk thit doirected the Mid Mix mhoovies and thaas ones abhaat the pinguins. Sah, did yha git me script? Tit's rhoit, tha wan for the new Mid Mix mhoovie. Did yha lhoik it? Oi haap sah, caz oi think it's FHACKIN' GRAAHT!

Whadaya mayn "it's jhast a 2 awah cahr chaas"? Ya flahmin' dhingah! Didya noht git tha minny layas of sahbtixt and metafowah? Dhantcha see, mhaat? Ta lorry's full ah SHIELAS! And it's driven boi a blahdy SHIELAH! Tat's rhoit, mhaat. It's a FIMINIST PIRABLE! Tyah fleein' from patriarchal cipitilist tyranny, mhaat, bound for a grheen hewtahpia, pursued by tha joint forces of the military-indastrial complix (tha bullit


fhaamas) and fossil-feyurl dhependance (Gas Tahn). Didya not see, maaht, all tha goodies are SHEILAHS! And all tha blaahks are MENTAL! See, maaht? FAHKIN' FIMINIST PIRABLE!

And what abaaht me oideah for the ifficts? Tat's rhoit, maaht. NAH CEE GEE OI! Taahtally orginic. It'll look FAHKIN' GRAAHT! Real caahs blawin' ap! Oi've got a stant team that'll make it look loik Sirk de Fahkin' Solay on methamphetamine, maaht! Te kids'll LAV IT!

Nah maaht, no Mel fahkin' Gibson. He's gone a bit too MENTAL! Oi reckon that Tom Hardy will be GRAAHT, though. And tha main Sheila can be that Charlize Teron. We'll have ta do samthing abaaht her arms, though. THERE'S TOO MATCH OF EM'! Jay Freeman

October FILM RELEASES 09 October RegressionAlejandro Amenabar (Vanilla Sky, the Others) brings us this dark thriller about a detective (Ethan Hawke) investigating the case of a man who admits to sexually abusing his 17 year old daughter (Emma Watson) but has no memory of the events. Tis film is as equally well written and shot as it is disturbing and uncomfortable. 16 October Te LobsterYorgos Lanthimos’ (Dogtooth) first English language movie is a surreal dark comedy about a world where all single people are rounded up in a hotel, where they are against the clock to find a romantic partner, or face being turned into beasts and released into the woods. With a plethora of great performances from Colin Farrell, new Bond girl Lea Seydoux, James Bond’s wife Rachel Weisz, James Bond’s geeky mate Ben Wishaw… bloody hell, there’s a lot of bond people in this. And John C. Reilly. Tis movie is one for anyone with a kink for a bit of quirk. 23 October Te Last Witch HunterVin Diesel stars as the eponymous coven botherer, whose immortal life’s work is spent weeding out witches and killing cackling hags. He’s pretty handy at it too - until the queen witch is resurrected, then the shit really hits the cauldron. Cue lots of slow-mo sword leaping, black cat battering and witty, witch-ending one liners. Fun, if unoriginal, supernatural action that will entertain if not enlighten. 23 October Paranormal Activity: Te Ghost DimensionIt’s actually out a week earlier than this, but it seems that this Halloween, no one wants to fuck with Bond at the box office. If however you are determined that you want to watch things going bump in the night, then check out the final instalment of this freaky found footage fright franchise. It’s shit though, so y’know. Don’t say you weren’t warned. Smiley

SeptemberDVD RELEASES 05 October Tomorrowland: A World BeyondDisney's strategy of turning their theme- park rides into films has had varying levels of success. Pirates of the Caribbean set the standard, but last year's Mr. Spinning Tea-Cup Pisspuddle let the side down. Tankfully, Tomorrowland is a return to form, with enough interesting ideas and visual treats, George Clooney included, to make the queuing worthwhile. 12 October San AndreasDwayne "Te Rock" Johnson is on shaky ground in this by- the-book earthquake disaster nonsense. But it's not his fault. IT'S NOT HIS FAULT! YEAH? Anyone? I'm here all week. Try the veal. 19 October Jurassic WorldNow, I like Chris Pratt, I like dinosaurs, and I like films. But this film, which is about dinosaurs, and stars Chris Pratt, I did not like. Its sometimes- serious-sometimes-poking-fun-at-the-original shtick didn't work. Also, I couldn't help thinking that, after two disastrous attempts to monetize the cloning of massive lizards, they'd learn their lesson. Not clever, girls. 26 October American Horror Story: Freak ShowTis once-excellent series has been getting progressively sillier with each season, and it was only the outstanding performances that kept me on board last year's AHS: Coven to the end. However, this series, with its two-headed arguments and dildo-handed buffoonery, lost me from the go-get. Here's hoping that AHS: Hotel, starting this month, bucks the trend. Jay

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