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AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18 When English-speaking people are about to go to sleep, they wish each other 'sweet dreams'. When they wake up they say “good morning,” so what happens in between to turn some of them into such top arseholes? Maybe we need a ritualistic midday saying along the same lines? Perhaps at twelve, everyone could turn to the person next to them and say “Fuck on!” Oh, inventive Aquarius, be the change that you hope to see in others. Your lucky flower is orange blossom.

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20 Are you fit to be seen? Speaking of seen, have you seen Top Gun? I love that shit; Maverick and Goose, massive jets, volleyball. Bow wow wow dananana wow wow, da na wow, da na wow, da na wow waaaah… Bow wow wow dananana wow wow, da na wow, da na wow, da na NAAAAAAH! Tom Cruuz, Val Kilmer, the guy who played Goose - it’s full of stars. And that brings me back to your celestial reading; oh imaginative Pisces, everything’s going to be cool this month, trust me. And watch Top Gun. Your lucky fruit is plum.

spiritual world? Do faeries symbolise a world left behind where anything was possible? Oh, clingy Cancer, at some time in your life you have to leave them at the bottom of the garden and go into the house made from the bricks of reality and the mortar of reason and the breeze blocks of logic and the dry-wall insulation of common sense. Your lucky lady is marmalade.

ARIESMAR 21 - APR 19 Te desire to be happy is inherent in every human. As goofy tax-dodger Ken Dodd sang: “Haffiness, haffiness, the greatefft gifft, that I poffeff.” I think that what the swivel-eyed tickler was trying to communicate was that, of all the gifts he was blessed with - be it diddy men, outlandish hair, or the word “tattyfilarious,” – it was happiness, yes happiness, he valued most. Oh, optimistic Aries, live life like Dodd did, don’t do what Doddy didn’t do, and you’ll poo-poo the boo-hoo. Your lucky tomato is beef.

LIBRASEP 23 - OCT 22 What is confusing you the more you consider it? What gets wetter as it dries? What goes up when the rain comes down? What do you call a man wearing a six-sided sombrero? Is he a Mexigon? Or a Hexican? Te point is, oh indecisive Libra, life is full of riddles. Here’s one: What can you sit on, sleep in, and use to clean your teeth? Te answer is: a chair, a bed, and a toothbrush. Sometimes the answers are as plain as the nose on your face. Your lucky pool is rock.

LEOJUL 23 - AUG 22 Tey say that, 'if you believe in yourself you can do anything.' Other people say that this is just a cliché. ‘Tey’ also say that sayings like this are clichés because they’re so often true, but, oh ambitious Leo, people used to believe that dolphins saved drowning men because the very few men that were saved by dolphins were the only ones left to tell the tale. Do you know what happened to the others? No. Because they’re dead. Plus, dolphins have actually been known to bum scuba-divers. Honestly. Google it. Your lucky preserve is jam. VIRGOAUG 23 - SEP 22 We never run out of reasons to worry, but sometimes we lose our appetite for taking such concerns too seriously. Well, make a few changes to your daily diet and shed some stress. Maybe your work situation is getting a bit eggy, perhaps your relationship is a bit stale, or could the Pot Noodle of your financial situation use a bit more Reggae, Reggae Sauce of income? Oh, analytical Virgo. Whey up your

options, and you could be squeezing cheese through silk for the rest of your life. Your lucky pearl is black.

TAURUSAPR 20 - MAY 20 We are all aboard a giant spacecraft that spins as it races round the sun. And, like a massive spacecraft, we’re armed with lasers of hope, photon-torpedoes of love, and, also probably, doors that go “shhhhhh- kha” when they both open and close. Oh, courageous Taurus, will you stay in the engine room of safety, or have the courage to join the landing party of courage? You’ll never meet a beautiful and sexually aggressive alien working on the reactor core, but if you beam-down and have trouble working out which member of the landing party is doomed, it’s probably you. Use the force, Captain Spook. Your lucky meat is ham.

GEMINIMAY 21 - JUN 20 When young children first go to the theatre, they may not know the difference between film and live action. At worst, they totally freak out because they don’t know what’s happening. At best, they are utterly confused and shout about toilets and Peppa Pig. My point is that live culture is wasted on kids, and some of us paid good money to see the Bungay Players’ highly ambitious Vietnam musical, “Apocalypse, Wow!” If I find the kids that shouted all the way through “Let Saigons be Saigons,” “I Love you, You Love Mekong,” and “It Hurtz to be Kurtz.”… Don’t have kids Gemini, you’ll live longer. Your lucky radio is ga-ga.

CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22 Why are we so fond of faeries? Is it because they represent an epoch of innocence? A time of belief and wonderment in the possibilities of the

10 / October 2015/

SCORPIOOCT 23 - NOV 21 'Heaven helps those who help themselves'. It depends what you mean though. Does it mean, “Look out for number one,” “To thine own self be true,” “Fuck those guys” or does it mean that you can’t rely on celestial bail-outs at every turn, and that you need to put the effort in to succeed? Like many old quotes, any old gobshite can spout it from their pissed lips and twist it to their own self-righteous agenda. Oh, observant Scorpio, when faced with such pearls of wisdom, look to the oyster from whence they emerged. Remember, the devil can quote scripture to his own ends.Your lucky star is Polaris.

SAGITTARIUSNOV 22 - DEC 21 You can see the signals and read the signs. Te warning triangles are out on life’s highway, and it’s time for the work to begin. We both know it, it has been planned for months, yet your insistence on distance, and your devotion to unemotion, have meant that you’ve created a huge diversion and work has not gone ahead as scheduled. Oh, unemotional, independent Sagittarius. You’re blocking my contraflow! Your lucky submarine is yellow.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 20 You can't make chili con carne if you have got the chili but no carne. Tere was another famous Capricorn who couldn’t make chili con carne if he had the chili but no carne, wasn’t there. Tat’s right. Praise him. David Bowie. Not a great cook. Your lucky colour is magnolia.


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