IR 30
Regarding Relationship
By Marina Maurino, MA “Love Sense”
“Love Sense, The Revolutionary New Science of
Romantic Relationships” is the name of a new book by Dr. Sue Johnson, a clinical psychologist, Distinguished Research Professor, recognized leader in the science of relationships and developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy. Her writing style is warm, inviting and easily understood. Her thesis is that lovemakes sense when we understand what it is, what its underpinnings are, and what we need to do to repair and ensure healthy relationships. How we achieve really healthy relationships goes all the
way back to our main caregiver(s) and how “accessible and responsive” they were to us. How we are responded to as children determines whether we bond/connect/attach in a secure way or insecure way and we bring this bonding style to our romantic relationships. If we are one of the fortunate children to have “secure”
bonding, then we will be able to better weather life and rela- tionship challenges. Dr. Johnson says, “We learn to reach for closeness when we need it, trusting that we will be offered comfort and caring much of the time. This loving contact is a touchstone, helping us to calm ourselves and find our emo- tional balance.We feel comfortable with closeness and need- ing others and aren’t consumed by worry that we will be betrayed or abandoned.” In our cells, we have the memory of support, safety and someone lovingly watching over us as we stumbled. The peoplewith this “secure” attachment bring that stability to their relationships. That sense of inner security is what gives them the ability to face their feelings, admit their vulnerabilities and move through challenges with more equa- nimity. These people make great leaders and team builders. They have faith in themselves and are able to inspire trust and empathy in others. For those of us who have insecure bonding, we become
either “anxious” or “avoidant”. Those words describe the type of reaction we have to any threat that feels like discon- nection. That kind of threat triggers the cellular memory of our infancy and/or childhood when our primary caregivers were “unpredictably or inconsistently responsive, neglectful, or even abusive” and therefore it (the threat) triggers the unconscious cellular memory of the powerlessness, abandon- ment and devastation that we felt. That memory is so ingrained and indelible in our cells and psyche that it controls us without our even being aware of it and we react automati- cally and protectively in either the “anxious” style or the “avoidant” style. Instead of fostering security, caregivers who are emo-
tionally detached, disconnected, depressed, distressed or unable to care for themselves create feelings of desolation, disconnection and abandonment in the child. Imagine how an infant feels when the caregiver isn’t emotionally present, doesn’t care, doesn’t respond, doesn’t nurture, doesn’t com- fort or does so inconsistently. Those experiences get indelibly imprinted in our psyches. I am alone, I am helpless, and there is no one there for me is the conclusion. Babies don’t think this, they feel it and the feeling of sheer and utter abandon- ment creates a devastating imprint in our cells. When those of us with an “anxious” style feel a threat,
real or perceived, of disconnection from the partner, it ignites the cellular memory of primal panic when we were inconsis-
tently or completely unattended. As adults, even a comment from a partner can trigger the terror of abandonment without us realizing it or knowing where it really comes from. Anyone who triggers that deep-rooted fear of abandonment will be met with anger, rage, threats, attacks, begging, cling- ing and other reactions that say, “Show me that you are real- ly there for me.” We act out our reactions, play the blame game, or feel powerful and righteous in our anger rather than feel the utter and devastating pain of feeling the alone, pow- erless, helpless and hopeless infant who is being triggered in us. Dr. Johnson says, “…we still seem to have no clear or rig- orous understanding of the intense connection that is so cen- tral to our being.” Those of us with an avoidant style have an imprint more
of powerlessness and hopelessness than anxious panic. We don’t seek or expect connection or comfort from others. We are generally less communicative about feelings and won’t show vulnerability. We don’t reach out and when triggered, real or perceived, we will withdraw, stonewall and shut down even more. There is no communication possible because the cellular memory is that there was no one there when we were helpless babies. The memory of that desolation is much too dangerous to allow us to openly express our feelings to anoth- er. It’s as if we are saying, “I know you’re not there for me. I don’t need you. Leave me alone.” Dr. Johnson calls these anxious or avoidant reactions,
“attachment panic”. The book makes us aware of how our reaction shows up,
how it dances with our partner’s reaction and how easy it is to get absolutely stuck in only the facts of what’s happening rather than also working on how our primal panic and wound are really what’s being triggered. Most of us don’t know these feelings are in us but if we
pay close attention we can begin to feel them and start to build more security within ourselves. It is possible. It’s not a magic wand. It is a process of willingly and vulnerably look- ing at ourselves and sharing with our partner at a much deep- er level than most of us have already done. It requires know- ing the moment this deep fear shows up and sharing it in the moment. Fortunately, Dr. Johnson’s book is replete with examples and dialogues of couples at different stages of dis- connect, hurt and repair. This book and her other, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love are great guides. They help couples identify their dynamic and teach themhow to create amore connected and loving relationship.
MarinaMaurino,MA, is passionate about supporting her
clients to discover who they really are and to live the most authentic version of themselves. Going a step beyond talk therapy, she guides you to access and release (through emo- tional energy work) the feelings that are keeping you stuck and in pain and teaches you ways to create a spiritual life and conscious healthy relationships. The session includes intu- itive counseling, emotional energy healing and spiritual teaching. For info about private sessions, couples counseling (with her husband, Joseph Maurino, LCSW, see ad p.19), healing circles or workshops please call 201-967-9377 or visit
www.reflectingtruth.com.
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