ER 18
RegardingMen Men and Intimacy What is this “intimacy” thing that
everyone talks about, wants and com- plains about? Even though wemen say we are available for it, in many cases there are those of us who have no clue what it really is.We all say we want it. Women especially note that we men have difficulty with it and they miss it with us.We men say that if we had sex more or touched more, “we’d be more intimate”. In couples counseling, peo- ple often refer to intimacy onlywhen it has to do with sexual expression. It is a difficult hard wiring for men and women. Years ago, I came up withmy own
definition of intimacy. Intimacy is being completely and openly who I am in the presence of another and allow- ing the other to be completely and openly who s/he is in my presence. No judging, no criticizing, no blaming. Completely allowing our essence and the essence of the other to come through. Men very often are drawn to what
makes us feel competent, powerful and in control. Thus, we men work hard and provide hard with our jobs. We work out, we coach, we fix, we landscape, we drive and on and on. It makes us feel we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing for the women and kids. It makes us feel good. What makes us feel incompetent we avoid. Unconsciously, we avoid intimacy because we sense we’re not good at it. It’s my experience and deep belief
that we men feel awkward around the topic of intimacy because we’re not really clear on what it is, let alone how to “do it”. I’ve learned for myself and with all the observations I’ve been privy to, not to mention constant “tutoring” frommy wife, that intimacy
is about “being” not “doing”. Another concept for intimacy is
authenticity, a word we don’t use too often perhaps because we avoid our own authenticity. Authenticity is bringing myself without any armor, protection or mask to the encounter, sexual or non-sexual. It’s not so easy because we’ve been conditioned and socialized for years to hide our faults, fantasies, limitations and feelings. It’s a sad truth that much of this hiding has occurred because of our experiences with the men in our lives who made have conditioned us to hide who we really are. The messages started early and came fromfathers, coaches, teach- ers and others. Fathers may have said, “Stop acting like a baby or I’ll give you something to cry about.” Coaches may have said, “I can’t believe you missed that ball. It was right to you.” Teachers may have said, “How many times do I have to explain this to you? I’m starting to wonder if you’re col- lege material.” It all erodes us, shames us and discourages us from being who we are. So, we hide. Intimacy is really allowing the
other to look into our eyes and seewho we are. We men have to take a big breath, loosen our chests, take the risk at being vulnerable. It’s not an easy task. Another difficulty for us is that we’re being asked, particularly by the women, to express intimacy in a fash- ion that is traditionally feminine. We’re asked, even commanded, to talk about all that is going on for us and to express everything with our feelings. We’ve had no encouragement or train- ing to do this. Men or not, we need to feel safe.
We do what we are hard wired to do: we provide. Often, however, we get so
much back on how we’re not there and not connecting that we begin to feel inadequate and react with anger or shut down. The best way to feel safe is not to be criticized or judged but to have feelings and intimacy modeled for us.We assume women are infinite- ly better at intimacy than men. As a generalization, probably true but not universally true. I believe we men are actually good at intimacy and being who we really are is what we crave and enjoy and is what connects us to the other. Intimacy is on the job training and
has to be done with the other and not in a vacuum. Maybe we men and women alike, can open up a bit more in each other’s presence.When we let ourselves be seen and known, we can connect better. It may be a given that women can
be our best models for intimacy. We men should not discount that talking with other men about who we really are and what’s going on for us is also very liberating and prepares us even better to express who we are with women. We all need coaching or as I often say, “somebody walking with us”.
Even if we didn’t learn some
basics growing up it’s never too late to start showing up.
See ad pg 19. ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Joseph is a Licensed Clinical
Social Worker who practices in Paramus, NJ. He specializes in sup- porting males of all ages to deal with issues particular to men. Joseph also does couple to couple counseling with his wife, Marina. He can be reached at 201- 261-9129
Life as a Local - A trip to the Beautiful Region of Apulia, Italy 2015
A visit to the Apulia region where you will experience the healthy ways of the locals.We'll be making cheese with milk fresh from the cow, we'll harvest olives and make fresh cold pressed olive oil, we'll have cooking classes, guided tours of Lecce, Alberobello, Matera and so much more. For all the details on our trip and to take advantage of our discounts please visit my website at
www.nourishingourspirit.com. *
barb@nourishingourspirit.com
The Beautiful City ofMatera
Friday October 30, 2015 at 1:00 PM CET -to- Saturday November 7, 2015 at 1:00 PM CET
Barb Minemier, Nourishing Our Spirit LLC * 973-519-4491
ByJosephMaurino
Inner Realm ~ 2015 ~
www.innerrealm.net
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48