DVD of the month FIFTY SHADES OF GREY
I once watched a puppy eat its own shit. I say “watched”, but, as one would
hope, as soon as I realised what was happening I turned my head away from the sickening spectacle, retching. Presumably, once the puppy had digested this shit, he would have done another shit. A shit formed of shit. Shit-squared, if you will. For me, ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ very much puts that shit in mind.
E. L. James’s first shit was the Twilight fan-fiction that FSoG grew from, and if there is a literary movement shittier than Twilight fan-fiction, I can’t think of it. Cannily, James changed the names and locations, got rid of the vampires and werewolves, and put in a load of pseudo-kinky bum- smacking sex. In doing so, she essentially lapped up her shit, re-
June FILM RELEASES
03 June Insidious: Chapter 3Te third chapter in the horror series is a prequel. Actually then, it should be called Insidious: Chapter Minus 1. Due to having better things to do (Furious Seven), this is also the first ‘Insidious’ movie to not be directed by James Wan, so, actually, should be called Insidious: Chapter Minus Wan. It probably won’t be as good. After all, Wan man, Wan vision.
12 June London Road Musical about that bloke in Ipswich that killed them prostitutes. Based on the West End show of the same name, the dialogue/lyrics are all taken from the actual interviews from residents, which sounds, frankly, bizarre. On the plus side it’s got Tom Hardy and Olivia Colman in it, on the down side, the songs are unlikely to rhyme.
19 June Entourage Movie based on the popular TV series. Movie star Vincent Chase and his boys are back, and back in business with… look, if you haven’t seen Entourage (but like witty, well written comedy) then go and watch Entourage, and then go and see this. If you have seen Entourage, then great. Tis starts where the show left off, so you already know what’s going on.
26 June Minions Animated spin-off, starring everyone’s favourite yellow evil-doers. See how the Minions evolved through the ages, then watch them in their quest to save Minionkind from annihilation. Stars Sandra Bullock as the world’s first female super villain, Scarlett Overkill, as well as John Hamm, Michael Keaton, Steve Coogan and Jennifer Saunders to name but a few. Smiley
June DVD RELEASES
01 June WhiplashOne of the best films released last year. Tense scripting, brilliant playing, and J. K. Simmons’s terrifying and multi-award-winning performance as a megalomaniac music teacher striving for greatness make this absolutely essential
02 June Jupiter AscendingTe Wachowskis epic Sci-Fi romp shoots for the moon, which is admirable enough, but misses spectacularly. Meaningless characters, bumbling dialogue, wasted talent, and a plot so nonsensical it seems intentionally bad. I tell you what, though: it looks incredible.
08 June Kingsman: Te Secret ServiceSelf-aware Bond-esque shenanigans from the director of the Kick-Ass films. Enormous fun if you like this kind of thing, but irreverent enough about its genre if you don’t. Laugh-out-loud funny in places, too.
15 June Te Newsroom: Seasons 1 – 3Aaron Sorkin’s left-leaning politico-media drama may have been a little preachy for some, but don’t let that put you off; he writes some of the best dialogue and characters I’ve ever seen on TV. Brilliant, original, and committed. (Season 3 alone is released on the same day if you’re already up to date.) Jay Freeman
percolated it through her creative alimentary canal, and squirted out three plopping great books of populist slap-and-tickle that, bewilderingly, became wildly popular with Kindle- fumbling divorcees and chuckling schoolgirls. Te sale of pink fluffy handcuffs rocketed.
No surprise, then, that Hollywood has taken this shit-squared, swallowed it whole, and grunted out something best described as shit-cubed. Let’s face it; FSoG was never going to be well-written characters, snappy dialogue, and a compelling plot. Unfortunately, its only selling point – the sex – is so woefully mishandled, toned-down, and, well, unsexy, that all we are left with is a triple-shat turd leeched of all possible goodness and only marginally more erotic than a dog eating its own bum-gravy. Jay Freeman
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48 |
Page 49 |
Page 50 |
Page 51 |
Page 52 |
Page 53 |
Page 54 |
Page 55 |
Page 56 |
Page 57 |
Page 58 |
Page 59 |
Page 60 |
Page 61 |
Page 62 |
Page 63 |
Page 64