AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18 Tis month, it may be as well for you to live up to your reputation. As a clever Aquarius, you’ll already know that, astrologically speaking, you are regarded as witty, humanitarian, rebellious, inventive, and original; but as an aloof Aquarius you may be unaware that, astrologically speaking, you are regarded as stubborn, unemotional, and sarcastic. So, a little more from column A, a little less from column B, and you’ll cope with everything June throws at you. Your lucky pit is gravel.
PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20 Te new Moon suggests a whole week ahead during which it feels as if the cosmic contrast has been turned up. So make sure you have a smear test. Regular smear testing can help prevent cervical cancer. If you haven’t got a cervix, I feel bad for you, son. I’ve got 99 problems, but not having a cervix is also one of them, as I am a man. If you are also a man, see Taurus. Oh, lazy Pisces, don’t check yourself before you wreck yourself, have a trained professional do it. Holla! Your lucky right to fight for is to
paaaaaaaaaaaaaaartaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
ARIESMAR 21 - APR 19 Even millionaires have moments of financial insecurity. Indeed, as the old adage suggests, mo’ money, mo’ problems. Te agony of deciding how to spend a million quid will probably never be a problem that you have to face, but it’s always a good idea to look at what you are rich in and take stock. Oh, self- involved Aries, you will never be content if more means more, so this summer just try to enjoy what you’ve got. Your lucky time is Hammer.
domineering Leo, don’t seek to eliminate your demons, seek to tame them. Your lucky Dr is Dre. In case you’ve forgotten.
VIRGOAUG 23 - SEP 22 We all want to avoid the moment when push comes to shove. Some people will tell you that this cannot be avoided. Well fuck those guys, Oh analytical Virgo, you need never worry about the pushing and the shoving if you use your noggin to recognise approaching catastrophe and get out of the way. As my old Auntie Mann used to say: “Tere are two kinds of people in this world: those who throw shit at fans, and those who sell umbrellas.” Your lucky apology recipient is Miss Jackson. OOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
TAURUSAPR 20 - MAY 20 Te Moon is in your sign. Tis means it’s a great time to have your prostate checked by a trained professional. If you haven’t had your prostate checked by a trained professional, I feel bad for you, son. I got 99 problems, but not having had my prostate checked by a trained professional ain’t one. I have the prostate of a man half my age, apparently. However, if you do not have a prostate, see Pisces. Oh, stubborn Taurus, this is the month to try new things. Holla! Your lucky butts are big, and I cannot lie.
GEMINIMAY 21 - JUN 22 We are not supposed to laugh about serious matters. However, finding the humour in a situation can be enormously useful, putting your problems into perspective and providing catharsis. For example, the hilarious wartime comedy ‘Allo ‘Allo not only provided an unflinching look at life in France under occupation by a murderous regime, it also had jokes about tits. I think there’s a lesson there for us all. Oh, witty Gemini, it’s either all funny, or none of it is. Your lucky lines are white. Bubba dubba dubba-da dubba-da da.
LIBRASEP 23 - OCT 22 Tey teach us many things at school but we rarely get lessons in how to be intuitive. I mean, how would that even work? How would you know where the lesson was? When would you turn up? How would you revise for the exam? Oh, indecisive Libra, I know you like external structure when learning life’s lessons, but you can’t gain intuition from tuition, you just fall intuit. Your lucky thing to get on is ur freak.
SCORPIOOCT 23 - NOV 21 Many good councillors and psychotherapists, especially when working as mediators, will try to encourage the participants in any healing session to be 'kind to one another'. Tat’s because these so-called professionals, with their years of training and qualifications from accredited academic institutions, are nothing but charlatans, doling out universally applicable, non-specific advice to suggestible, desperate fools. Well, I know you see through that nonsense, observant Scorpio, so this month, follow your heart. Your lucky walk is this way.
CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22 Objects of great strength can often only be created by placing the component materials under enormous pressure. Even a humble poo will be transformed into a gleaming diamond under the right conditions. Oh, self-pitying Cancer, this month, you are that humble poo, so heed the words of moustachioed perspectivist Frederick Nietzsche: “that which does not kill you only makes you stronger,” and you’ll bling home the bacon. Your lucky gin mixer is juice. Laid back.
LEOJUL 23 - AUG 22 Do we ever lay our demons completely to rest? No, and nor should we. A person without a dark side is like a paddling pool filled with tits: difficult to imagine, potentially amusing, but certainly shallow. It is the how we control our dark thoughts that makes us who we are. Oh,
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SAGITTARIUSNOV 22 - DEC 21 If a cake is in the oven and the oven is on, what next? Oh, unemotional, independent Sagittarius, the time has come to allow others to help you open that oven of independence, and eat a massive slice of emotion sponge. If you don’t want to spend your days alone, baking cakes that you don’t even eat, then you need to stop being so unemotional and independent. Be more emotive and dependent.Your lucky attitude towards the hype is incredulous.
CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 20 I don't normally say things like this but due to a series of astrological influences that are perhaps too complex to explain in detail here, I would like to encourage you to read this month’s forecast for Sagittarius. Tere was another famous Capricorn who had an oven full of cakes, wasn’t there? Praise him. Tat’s right: Elvis. Admittedly, he was more hamburger than Battenberg(er), but the point still stands. Be more like Elvis. Your lucky route outta Compton is straight.
BY DR E. MANN
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