AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18 Why wade slowly into the water from the shallow part of the pool, when you can dive right in at the deep end? Underwater rocks, that’s why. Oh, rebellious Aquarius, your water-sign smarts should’ve been all over that question. It’s rocks, for fuck’s sake. It’s not even a metaphor. Look before you leap (into a pool full of razor-sharp rocks). Your lucky Cars is by Gary Numan.
PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20 Nothing can stop you this month, you fishy fucker. Your characteristic Piscean self-pity can, like, totally do one, as Uranus looms large, filling you with purpose and ooh la la. Channel its power, and Uranus will rub off on those around you. Tey won’t know it’s Uranus, they’ll just assume you’re naturally fantastic. Only you will know that they’re actually enjoying Uranus. Your lucky woodland bollock isPuck.
ARIESMAR 21 - APR 19 Tis forecast is for you. But, then again, what isn’t? It’s always all about you, isn’t it? Oh, self-involved Aries, as we enter into the month of May spring has nearly all sprung. Has that self-involvement paid dividends? Were you regenerating or procrastinating? Were you pupate, or stoopate? Te only way to know is to chrysa-listen to your heart. Cocoonly way is up! Your lucky man is fire.
VIRGOAUG 23 - SEP 22 'We should always heed our intuition'. Well, some people may like to go through life based on gut instinct, but some people have shit for brains, so guts is all they’ve got. But you, oh analytical Virgo, you’ve got a pint of smarts and a skepticism chaser, so when there’s important decisions to be made, don’t let your guts cloud your head. Your lucky organ is Hammond.
LIBRASEP 23 - OCT 22 We value stability. Everyone likes feeling secure, but if we become complacent we may be guilty of taking what we have for granted. Oh, superficial Libra; if we go through life preoccupied with trivial details, we lose sight of the bigger picture. Try to take a stand this month for something you believe in. Let that Libran idealism shine through. Your lucky fool is fruit.
GEMINIMAY 21 - JUN 22 You know what needs to be said, but should you be the one to say it? If not, who will you choose to say it for you? Oh, indecisive Gemini, our democracy, flawed though it may be, is a hard-earned thing, so make sure your voice is heard. Even if you’re beardy spider-legged vote-dodging fuck-centric Gemini Russell Brand. Your lucky planet is Mars.
TAURUSAPR 20 - MAY 20 Do the people who have the strongest personalities inevitably end up being the ones who get what they want? Well, that depends on what you mean by “strongest”. Oh, bullish, stubborn Taurus. As my old Auntie Mann used to say, “an unbending reed will snap, but you can’t get your wedding ring out of a turd with a poppadum.” Tat was shortly before I put her into a home. Sometimes being strong means letting go. Your lucky element is Mercury.
SCORPIOOCT 23 - NOV 21 Te more constructive a process becomes, the more you see the potential for disintegration and chaos in other areas of life. Tis is typically paranoid of you, oh suspicious Scorpio. Honestly, you’re never happy. You develop a constructive process, then all you go on about is the potential for disintegration and chaos in other areas of life. Stop worrying about other areas of life and concentrate on what you’ve got working in front of you, constructively. Your lucky bat is cricket.
SAGITTARIUSNOV 22 - DEC 21 Some people and situations seemingly require us to go the extra mile. You need to go the extra mile towards being more emotional and less independent. Tat unemotional independence will get you nowhere; certainly not a mile closer to a
CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22 Why do bad things sometimes happen to good people? Oh, self- pitying Cancer, did you think that just because you were nice to people, this would earn you an easy ride through life? Well, life’s not like that. Man up, you crabby fucker. Being kind is its own reward, and gold-stars are for primary school children. Your lucky bar is crow.
LEOJUL 23 - AUG 22 How do we know what our guardian angels are doing? We hear the twinkling of their star-toes, the jangling of their baubles, the blowing of their trumpets. It’s how we interpret the signals that allows us communion with our celestial bodyguards. Oh, ambitious Leo, listen well, and you’ll hear heavenly guidance; fail to concentrate and all you’ll receive is an inept honking. Your lucky Carry On… film is Dick.
10 / May 2015/
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solution to the situation you’re in, nor a mile further away from a situation you want to be further away from. Be less unemotional and less independent.Your lucky insect is bee.
CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 20 If a police officer knocks on our door, we soon begin to wonder what we may be in trouble for. Tere was another famous Capricorn who began to wonder what he may be in trouble for, wasn’t there? Praise him. Tat’s right. David Bowie. He was on the business end of a truncheon once or twice, but he never let it make him feel guilty. Be more like Bowie. Your lucky letter is Z.
BY DR E. MANN
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