AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18 Te lottery is no game of skill. Oh, clever Aquarius, you know that if you want something you have to work for it. Or, at least gamble on something with better odds, like poker. Or cock fighting. But you must be patient with your hand. As old Aunty Mann used to say “don’t thrust your cock into the ring before it’s ready, or you’ll be sweeping up bloodied sawdust for hours.” Bless her. Your lucky New Year’s resolution is to not give up so easily.
PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20 Humans are bipeds. I know this isn’t news to most of us, but you spent so much of last year sitting on your arse that I thought it worth a mention. Oh, lazy Pisces, basically, get off your fucking arse, mate. Your lucky New Year’s resolution is to get off your fucking arse, mate.
DIY in 2015? Be less helpful? I don’t know, pick the bones out of that. Your lucky New Year’s resolution is to dance more.
ARIESMAR 21 - APR 19 Conflicting priorities and mutually exclusive options. Tese feisty little fuckers are going to really shit on your New Year’s parade if you are impatient. Oh, impulsive Aries, take a little time, do a little dance, and commit to one thing or the other. As old Aunty Mann used to say, “You can’t have your cake and eat it. Because, if you eat your cake, you won’t have your cake anymore, and if you keep your cake, you can’t eat your cake, because then it will be gone. Eaten.” Wise words. Your lucky New Year’s resolution is to save money.
TAURUSAPR 20 - MAY 20 Te world, these days, appears to have gone health and safety crazy. Or is that just something that you say to excuse yourself when you do stupid things? Oh, stubborn Taurus, it’s about time you stopped taking such stupid risks, before you walk under the ladder of life and it drops a bucket right onto your head. Of shit. Is that any way to start the New Year? Your lucky New Year’s resolution is to watch more movies.
GEMINIMAY 21 - JUN 22 When trees shed their leaves in autumn, do we bemoan and fear the loss? It’s not the change you fear, oh, restless Gemini, it’s more that it signifies the passage of time. It’s true: the verdant hues of summer will be back soon enough, leaving autumn’s russet tableau a distant, sepia memory. So, shit or get off the pot, yeah? Your lucky New Year’s resolution is to listen more and talk less.
CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22 What if our own cupboards need clearing out, yet we find ourselves with no time to undertake such housekeeping because we are asked to help someone else with a similar project? Now, I know that may sound like the first line of a Daily Mail horoscope, but, as I said to Virgo, it’s certainly not. I get these messages from beyond, but I’m fucked if I know what to do with this one. Do less
10 / January 2015/
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CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 20 Mickey Mouse transformed Walt Disney's fortunes. Tere was another famous Capricorn that transformed someone’s fortunes, wasn’t there. Praise him. Tat’s right. Elvis. Te King. He transformed that Colonel Sanders’ fortunes. Elvis gave him the money to buy all that fucking chicken. Ten he left the building. Tan’ yuh very moosh. Uh hur hur. Be more like Elvis. Your lucky New Year’s resolution is to try something different.
LEOJUL 23 - AUG 22 For our first couple of years, nobody teaches us about discretion. We defecate and micturate with impunity, masturbate in front of houseguests, and scream about the night-time-man well into our twenties. Oh, melodramatic Leo, stop making such a spectacle of yourself. It’s time you grew up; after all, no one likes a howling wanker. Your lucky New Year’s resolution is to vote.
VIRGOAUG 23 - SEP 22 In 1968, an author called Lawrence J Peter, wrote a book in which he identified an all too common syndrome. Now, as I said to Cancer, it’s not like I get these start-lines from the Daily Mail, but it’s LAURENCE J. Peter, you fucktards. Jesus, can’t you even copy and paste? Trow me a fucking bone here, guys. Oh, observant Virgo, you know what I mean, yeah?Your lucky New Year’s resolution is to do more exercise.
LIBRASEP 23 - OCT 22 If all we ever had to do was what we
already knew how to do, how would any of us ever manage to progress? Some of us are happy sticking to what we know, and some of us simply get stuck in a rut. Your problem, oh indecisive Libra, is that you’ve got so many options that you can’t make your mind up which path to follow. First world problems, eh? Your lucky New Year’s resolution is to learn another language.
SCORPIOOCT 23 - NOV 21 How are the exam papers marked in the University of Life? With pencils of knowledge, red pens of wisdom, and “see me” written in the margins of experience. Tat’s how. Te problem with the UoL, though, is that they’ll let any old twat in. Like UEA and that art one. Oh, observant Scorpio, the lectures are all around you, so pay attention. And don’t spunk your loan. Your lucky New Year’s resolution is to take more chances.
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21 Haven't you been here before? It’s the start of a new year, but it’s the same old story with you isn’t it, oh unemotional, independent Sagittarius. My New Year’s resolution is to make you realise how unemotional and independent you are, and then to make you more emotional and dependent. I do not intend to break my resolution, so it looks like it’s another year of the same for you, my old nemesis. Be more emotional and dependent. Your lucky New Year’s resolution is to be more emotional and dependent.
BY DR E. MANN
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