COMMENT
Bitten by the love bug
Wedding season is here – but so are the midges! WORDS ALAN COCHRANE ILLUSTRATION STEPHEN DAY
W
eddings are a bit like buses: you get no invitations for ages and then three come along at once. That’s what’s
happening to us. We’ve just been to our first in ages and are already gearing up for two more. It could be a sign of my decrepitude that I don’t
go to so many nowadays – it’s more likely to be funerals! – but marriage seems to have gone out of fashion among my younger friends and the offspring of contemporaries. What these kids don’t seem to realise is that getting married is not a selfish pastime for the two principals only – it’s about letting friends and relatives have a good old knees-up, some free grub and a drop of fizz. And if they decide against a wedding, can’t they at least have a party? I’m pleased to say that this year’s trio of cere-
monies all call for very different approaches, not to mention apparel. The first was in Edinburgh, the second is to be held in Glasgow and the third is in my old Angus stamping ground. What to wear is always the problem – and
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certainly not just for the girls. Kilts were de rigueur at the Edinburgh bash, a first-class affair at an incredibly posh venue, with a groom who is exceedingly lucky to have landed any bride at all, never mind the smashing girl he did marry. Happily, they left their ferocious miniature dachshund under lock and key and in the hands of some SAS-trained guards, else there would have been bitten ankles all round. This is a family that prides itself on its piping
abilities: the groom’s cousins, best man, ushers and assorted hangers-on formed up into a pipe band – with his dad on a side drum – and gave a very creditable performance before marching off in a fashion that would not have disgraced a Highland regiment. Such discipline would have been impossible later following enormous quantities of bubbly and McEwan’s Export – which left me wondering if there is another family anywhere in the world that puts away as many of the once-famous red cans as this one. A debate between the groom and the ceilidh
band over whether they should do the Reel of the 51st was concluded in the former’s favour and was one of the highlights of the evening. Next up is the Glasgow wedding. It is to be
held at a very solemn venue, but promises to be anything but a solemn event, since such things never are in Glasgow. I’m looking forward to this one enormously as the groom dabbles in politics and likes to think of himself as some- thing of an expert in the subject. He and I once clashed so ferociously on television that friends rang up to find out if we were at each other’s throats. In fact, we were in the pub across the road having a pint and a laugh – the whole ‘row’ being a put-up job for the cameras. Like the Edinburgh one, this groom is lucky
to have found anyone prepared to marry him, but at least the bride in this case is a successful divorce lawyer, so she knows a thing or two. Last up is the wedding in the Angus glens. Out
of interest, I consulted a book on the etiquette of large country weddings. The strictest rule, it seems, is this: ‘No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity-like behaviour.’ Now, the parents of the bride in question don’t own a castle but they do have a significant pile, so I would conclude that they’re entitled to host the festivities there – a treat, as the events held there are famously marvellous. My fervent wish is that several midge-killing
machines will be deployed around the grounds. This wedding is taking place at the height of the midge season, and the last time I was at a wedding in the vicinity my legs were bitten almost to shreds – kilts being compulsory. Word has no doubt reached the Midge Mafia
that I’m on my way back, sharpening their appetite for their favourite grub. Help!
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