DRINKING ASSISTANT NEEDED IMMEDIATELY!
HIRING: by angelica osborne
I NEED TO HIRE SOMEONE. I need a sponsor…except I don’t want to stop imbibing. I love having a few drinkie-drinks on the weekend and I just need some one to help me while I do it—a “drinking assistant.” We’ll call it D.A. for short. Some- times I can get a wee bit sloppy as the night goes on, so I need someone who will remind me to re-hydrate or eat a power bar between bars. Someone whose job it is to say, at a time previously designated (while still sober), “Okay that’s it; you’re done missy!” Together we could agree on a boundary—a line drawn somewhere just after, “Hey, this music isn’t so bad after all,” but definitely before “Hey, where are my pants?” Where is that line? That is really the question. It’s been a long week, I want to
blow off some steam, cut loose and let my hair down without making any—let’s say—bad choices. Which drink represents that line, the second, third or fourth? It’s hard to say exactly, it can be different depending on whether you’ve eaten beforehand or if all you’ve had is a Tic Tac all day. If you are drinking wine or beer you can usually drink more than say if you’re drinking vodka. So what’s the magic number? I need a D.A. who doesn’t need that digit, someone that can see the shift happening that moment when everything is about to slide downhill. I’ll be having a blast one minute tearing it up on the dance floor and the next
thing I know it’s morning and I’m all cotton-mouthed with fake eyelashes stuck to my cheek. Usually my first though is, “Do I still have friends?” I hate that feeling… Then I read my texts; “Oh man last night was CRAZY! I bet you’re hurting today!” Oh jeez I think, what kind of crazy are we talkin’ about? Spent my phone bill cash kinda crazy? Or, fell on my ass while stumbling on one heel because I broke the other on the dance floor kind of the kind of crazy when I say yes to
crazy? Or even worse; something
that’s a big no-no and now someone’s pissed? Hoping against hope that everyone else
was at the same level so no one totally knows what went down. But there’s always one friend who didn’t imbibe because they’re on some weird diet and, of course, they remember everything! That’s the person you always have nab first to commiserate with, before you decide who you have to send apology texts to. Now you might be thinking that I need to hire someone because I don’t have many friends. The truth of the matter is that I have a lot of good friends. They however, aren’t go- ing to stop me because either: a) They are doing it too,
or b) They think it’s hysterical and just sit back to enjoy the show. And that’s where this bodyguard/personal assistant/babysitter comes in. Up to a point, entertaining people is something I do naturally. But when we
start getting into “this will be so funny on YouTube tomorrow” territory, we’ve already gone to far. The real me has gone to sleep and my autopilot has taken over, saying things like, “That’s a great idea!” When it’s clearly not. At that point my D.A. could chime in and say “ha-ha she’s just
kidding...don’t listen to her.” Now people might say, “Just stop drinking,” and I suppose that’s a rational
choice for some. I, on the other hand, I like a bit o’spirits in my life and if others don’t, then I salute them. Cheers! Bottoms up! Oh man, see how it happens? I just can’t help it. Me likie the sauce, the hooch, the canned heat! I enjoy my life to the max and every now and then you just gotta whoop it up. There’s a reason they call it Happy Hour. So you see where the dilemma lies, somewhere in between responsibility and fun. I guess until I can afford to hire someone I’m just going to have to be my own disciplinarian.
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RAGE monthly | APRIL 2014
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