PLEASE SAVE YOUR “HELP”FOR SOMEONE ELSE
DECEMBER—a month when we’re prompted to take on a more giving spirit. Being a busy, single gay man of limited resources, giving is a tricky busi- ness. Charitable organizations must be researched for notable pro-equality ethics and practices before I make a donation. All the Christmas gifts I give must be of similar value to quell any suspicion of lazy or thoughtless gift-giving for a particularly inexpensive present. But I’ve become especially prudent while giv- ing “help” to someone in need. Specifically: knowing how to help friends who are battling depression is an area where we could all use some...well...help. As someone who is in the trenches fighting this malady myself, here’s some first- hand insight on what your “inexplicably mopey” friends are facing every day. Perception is everything. You’ve heard this phrase before. Either from your
all-knowing mother or some homoerotic advertisement selling spandex butt warmers. But whatever the context of this ever-vague axiom, it’s never more true to us than during the raging fits (or incapacitating depths) of a depression. Think of perception as a currency with which we operate every day. Some days, the value of our currency can get us to accomplish more than we thought our limits could buy. It’s the kind of day when enjoyment bursts out of every part of our life, from professional and emotional fulfillment to apprecia- tion of the day’s obstacles. Our hair looks great, we find ourselves singing and the air is pulsing with possibility. Other days, everything that can go wrong does go wrong. Zero fulfilment.
University Heights
Any enjoyment we experience is temporary and bitterly fleeting. Everyone’s an agitator. There’s never enough time to finish anything planned. Nothing appears to ever be within our reach again. Not financial security, personal pride or even a good night’s
rest...so there’s no point to even try. No point to anything. The problem with these two extremes is that
they are both perfectly rational takes on reality at the time we’re living them. Each becomes our absolute truth. That’s why it’s so hard to avoid complications when lending help to a loved one who’s buried under the wreckage of skewed self-worth. Your “tough-love” approach is great and all, but
don’t expect it to accomplish anything more than to relieve your own frustrations about someone else’s real problem. For whatever reason, be it chemically related or stress induced, a depressed person simply doesn’t possess the motivation to apply the logic of your reasoning. It’s not that depressed people want to be miserable and crave the attention it brings, as so many callous minds
and all, but don’t expect it to accomplish anything more than to relieve your own frustrations about someone else’s real problem. ”
30 RAGE monthly | DECEMBER 2013 “Your ‘tough-love’ approach is great
by paul montero
are prone to lazily skip to this prognosis. It’s simply that one cannot be shaken out of his or her darkening perception of the world, be told to snap out of it and expect to get back on track into “reality.” In the mind of severely depressed people, hopelessness IS reality. In essence, the government IS out to get us. We ARE going to end up homeless and insane. It makes NO DIFFERENCE whether we die as revered and accomplished octogenarians or if we squander our sav- ings tomorrow on a blaze of drug-fueled debauchery. Any one of these warped epiphanies can be incredibly debilitating to anyone’s normally resilient sense of purpose. Your average Joe or Jane who’s buckling under depression often has to deal with all of them at once. You can’t cure them of HIV, and you’re probably not going to wave this disease
away with a magic wand either. So what CAN you do? Obviously empathic understanding is a key factor. That, and not being so arrogant to assume you have all the answers they need to fix everything. Simply being an objective ear can be the sparkling jug of water to their vast emotional desert. Perhaps the most important phrase you should probably repeat to yourself: You are (very likely) not a licensed professional practicing psychology. You don’t know what triggered their depression or why. You lack the time and patience to find out without doing even more harm. Leave that to the people with the diplomas hanging behind their swivel chairs. Personally, I’m putting my sanity in the hands of my clinic. Not only are the sessions free, these are specialists sensitive to issues common to HIV survivors. While the content and delivery of our “help” could use some fine-tuning, there’s no need to give up on our depressed friends altogether. Simply pointing them toward a professional could be the morsel of help that saves a life.
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