healingways
HOW CAN WE ALL GET ALONG?
Resolving conflict benefits mind and body. by Lisa Shumate
“A
significant amount of wear-and-tear on the body comes from prolonged
unresolved conflict—from not letting go, holding grudges and reliving situ- ations over and over in your head,” says Raj Dhasi, a Toronto-based conflict management consultant who specializes in the physiological impacts of conflict. “But if conflict happens and my mindset is: ‘I can handle this. We can work through this,’ that is phenomenally beneficial for the brain and body.” Dhasi explains that when faced
with any conflict—whether it’s an angry boss, disgruntled neighbor, po- litical opponent or untidy teen in the house—our limbic system responds swiftly by igniting a cascade of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol and spiking our heart rate and blood pressure. Meanwhile, our prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain respon- sible for thinking things through and putting the brakes on emotional, ir- rational behaviors—begins to slowly light up. The fundamental problem is that in the race to mount a response, the limbic system often wins, prompting us to greet con- flict impulsively by raising our voice and saying things we later regret before our rational brain has time to step in.
On the flip side, many of us
avoid conflict altogether, harboring discontent in such a way that we feel powerless or even threatened. Mak- ing matters worse, our fight-or-flight response never quite goes away,
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says Gary Harper, author of The Joy of Conflict Resolution: Transform- ing Victims, Villains and Heroes in the Workplace and at Home. “More people are stressed out by not deal- ing with a conflict than with dealing with it,” Harper observes. “If you deal with it in the moment, it allows you to let it go.”
Pause, Breathe, Consider Harper advises that one way to deal with conflict on the spot is to pause and give our more rational
side a chance to arrive at a solution. “Before you react, slow down, take a deep breath and listen to your in- ner dialogue,” he says. “In that deep breath, you might realize that you need five minutes [to consider a re- sponse].” If you still remain in attack mode, it might not be the best time to respond.
He adds that while no conflict
should be avoided altogether, careful consideration might lead us to con- clude that some battles aren’t worth fighting. Ask yourself: How important is this person to me? How important is this issue to me? “If neither is vital to you, save your energy for a better use. If the issue is not important, but the relationship is, it’s okay to ac- commodate or give in sometimes,” he says.
Be Direct and Follow-Up Some conflicts are worth confront- ing. Then, Barbara Pachter, a business communications consultant and au- thor of The Power of Positive Con- frontation, offers what she calls the WAC approach for dealing with most cases of work and family conflict. W: Ask yourself: What is really bothering me? “A lot of times, people don’t do this. They
just say, ‘This person is a jerk,’ rather than specifying the problem.” A: Ask them for a solution. “We often complain, but we don’t identify a solution,” she says. “Determine what is going to solve the problem for you and ask for it.”
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