That’s a good question. What do you get if you cross a dog with a phone? – A Golden Receiver!


What award did the inventor of the door knocker win? – The No Bell Prize


What’s round, white and giggles? – A tickled onion!


What do you get when you cross a hyena with an oxo cube? – A laughing stock!


What vegetable is green and strong? – A muscle sprout!


How did the witch know she wasn’t feeling well? – She had a dizzy spell! This is a good example of the saying, “You get what you pay for.” If you buy cheap & nasty Christmas Crackers you get rubbish jokes like these.


Don’t sit at home bored come and hit some balls Open 7 Days & Nights regardless of weather


Free Golf Lessons for juniors on Saturday Mornings Please ring for details: 01254 884222 www.lee-valley.co.uk


What do you get if you cross a football team with an ice cream? – Aston Vanilla! (they were really cheap Christmas Crackers.)


Stanley Matthews Born: Feb. 1, 1915 Hanley, England Died: Feb. 23, 2000 Stoke-on-Trent, England Sir Stanley Matthews is generally regarded as one of the greatest footballers of all time. He made his debut for Stoke City in 1932 at the age of 17 and after 710 appearances for Stoke, Blackpool, and 54 for England, he retired in 1965 at the age of 50. Although he was 45 when he re-joined Stoke City in October 1961, home attendances jumped from 9,000 to 35,000. He was known as "The wizard of the dribble" and in 1965 became the first footballer to be honoured with a knighthood (although he was more proud of the fact that during his 33 year career he was never cautioned by a referee). His ashes are buried somewhere beneath the pitch of the Britannia Stadium, the home ground of Stoke City Football Club. Did you know he was the first person chosen to appear on the TV program “This is your life” in 1955.


Tommy Cooper was doing a charity auction and he asked: “What will you give me for this toaster?” A voice from the audience replied: “ Two slices of bread.”


We have just received the following Email from The PC Brigade who have noticed several breaches of Health and Safety Regulations over the recent Festive Season. We thought it pertinent to inform you of their new regulations so you have ample time to implement them before the next festivities. Subject: NEW CHRISTMAS REGULATIONS WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED While shepherds watched their flocks by night All seated on the ground, The Angel of the Lord came down, And Glory shone around. The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health and Safety Regulations to insist the shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided. Therefore, benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to inclement weather they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras behind centrally heated shepherd observation huts. The Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his/her Glory all around, the shepherds must be issued with glasses capable of filtering out any harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory lighting. LITTLE DONKEY Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road, Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load. The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also in the guidelines are permitted feeding breaks, and at least one rest break in a four-hour plodding period. Due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary & Joseph are required to wear facemasks. The ‘Little Donkey’ has expressed his discomfort as being labelled ‘Little’ and would prefer to being simply referred to as ‘Mr Donkey’. Comments upon his height or otherwise are considered to be a breach of his equine rights. WE THREE KINGS We three Kings of Orient are, Bearing gifts we traverse afar, Field and fountain, Moor and Mountain, Following yonder star. Whilst the gift of Gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through organisations such as ‘Cash4Gold’ etc - gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh are not appropriate due to the risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. An acceptable alternative might be a gift voucher. It is not recommended that traversing Kings should rely on star navigation, and would advise the use of AA Route finder or Sat Nav. Both can provide the quickest route and advise on fuel consumption. As in the case of Mr Donkey, the three camels require regular rest and food breaks and facemasks for the three Kings are obligatory due to the likelihood of desert dust disturbed by the camel hooves. THE ROCKING CAROL Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir, We will lend a coat of fur, We will rock you, rock you, rock you, We will rock you, rock you, rock you, Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants due to the risk of allergy and for ethical reasons. Therefore, false fur, a cellular blanket or, perhaps, micro-fleece material should be considered alternatives. Please note that, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau (CRB) check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock Baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before any rocking commences. JINGLE BELLS Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh, Over fields we go – laughing all the way. A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to ride. The Risk Assessment should also consider whether the use of only one horse in appropriate – particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Permission from landowners must be gained before entering any ‘Open Fields’. To avoid offending those not participating in the venture, it is required that only ‘moderate’ laughter is used and not at a noise level likely to be of nuisance to others. AWAY IN A MANGER Away in a manger – no crib for a bed … Refer to Social Services immediately!


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