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Quote of the Day


“Monster Trucks are for people who don’t understand Wrestling.” – Red Green


RED GREEN Dances with Disaster


There are a lot of things a man can do to fool everybody as to their true age. There are a number of products out there to help: hair dyes and wrinkle cream, cosmetic surgery and toupées, contact lenses, laxatives and Viagra. You can talk about things that younger people talk about. You can wear young clothes and drive a young person’s car. You can even pretend to like their music. But it’s all over when you hit the dance floor. Once you start flailing away doing the Frug or the Monkey or the Locomo- tion, you’ve blown your cover. When people see you dance they know you grew up with Chubby Checker. Even slow dances give you away, with your arm stuck straight out like a railway crossing. The horrible truth is you have to make a choice. You must either be honest about your age or never, ever, ever, dance. It’s a tough one. My advice is to do both.


Psychologist, Heal Thyself I have a couple of concerns about the


whole self-help movement thing. The idea is that each of us is great and fantastic and there’s nothing we can’t do if we just liberate ourselves from negative thoughts. I’m 53 years old, 20 pounds overweight, barely average height with poor eye-hand coordination and a history of avoiding physical exertion. No amount of self-help will allow me to be the starting center for the Chicago Bulls. And that’s not just a negative thought. It’s also a positive reality. The point is we need to have negative thoughts about ourselves. Negative thoughts keep us employed and married and allow us to get along with our friends and neighbors. Nothing kills a relationship faster than saying


44 BOUNDER MAGAZINE


to yourself: “I could do better”, especially when the truth is “They could do better”. Try to think of your ego as a hot air balloon. The positive thoughts keep it up, the negative thoughts keep it down. The perfect altitude for you is just above the high tension wires and just below the radar. Too many positive thoughts and you have too far to fall. Too many negative thoughts and you’re dragging your basket.


Right Sizing your Home A lot of people my age are making the


move from the two-storey four-bedroom family home into a one-bedroom condo. They tell me that they want to reduce the maintenance work and general hassle of owning and maintaining a house, but I don’t believe it. Sure the condo management people will cut the lawn and shovel the snow and look after the outside maintenance, but they charge you a few hundred bucks a month to do it. Chances are you could have had the same level of service for the same price on your own house. Maintenance is not the issue – it’s all about down-sizing. Down sizing is not a new concept. Life does it to most of us. Haven’t you ever noticed how much smaller your grandfather is than he used to be? We’ve been battling life from our four-bedroom fort every day for a lot of years. Now that we’re running out of ammo, we need to be a smaller target. Maybe in a condo with security, the world won’t bother us as often. And of course, no extra room means no extra visitors. No matter who drops in, at some point it’s going to get


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