BROUGHT TO YOU BY KOSMIC KENNY
‘Try not to stare at Saturn’s ring… It’s not polite’
CANCER Jun 23 - Jul 23 Don’t grow it long at the sides, don’t comb it over, don’t try and use hair gel as a replacement for actual hair – if you can see more scalp than hair, then so can we. Shave it off. Lucky day: July 24th
LEOJul 24 - Aug 23 If you think bedding your boy three times is enough preparation to decide to do it with the lights on next time, don’t be deluded. Remember that you have an arse like a dimpled orange, tits that keep your knees warm and enough flab to keep an Eskimo community warm through a hard winter. Lucky day: July 15th
VIRGOAug 24 - Sep 23 Mercury has recently been kind to you in love, but your loud howling in the sack is starting to grate on the astrological forces and it may come crashing down. Sounding like a raccoon being spit roasted just isn’t necessary and may mentally disturb the neighbours. Lucky day: July 27th
LIBRA Sep 24 - Oct 23 Yes, Meatloaf was a classic artist back in the day, but that doesn’t mean he should still be your style icon; fringing should exist only on a lampshade and not on a leather jacket, mullets should only refer to a breed of fish and tight black jeans will only make your genitals sticky in this weather. Lucky day: July 14th
SCORPIOOct 24 - Nov 22 There’s something brewing for typical Scorpions this month. It’s a heinous smell coming from your crotch. Spend some time beautifying yourself with a range of hygienic products – and
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some wire wool. Lucky day: July 14th
SAGITTARIUSNov 23 - Dec 22 You’ve asked the stars to guide you towards love and this month they have replied. They tell you to travel to the land they call the internet and seek the treasure they call the mail order bride. This will also lead you to a juncture they call the loss of dignity. Lucky day: July 5th
CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 20 Pregnancy will play a huge part in your stars this month, but before you get doe-eyed and start chomping for two, it’s not actually you who’s pregnant. Check which oven your partner has been baking his love dough in. Lucky day: July 22nd
AQUARIUSJan 21 - Feb 19 As Pluto starts fucking around with your star sign this month, beware of feelings you may start to have for your best friend. Think twice before you go on that holiday as you could be heartbroken and humiliated when you drop your towel in front of their horrified face. Lucky day: July 9th
PISCES Feb 20 - Mar 20 Alcohol. Now there’s a sensible way to approach your barren love life. The occasional stench of Pernod- tinged vomit on your breath is a
great idea when approaching potential shags, trust us. Go the extra mile and leave a string of sick down your jumper for an added sympathy vote. Lucky day: June 28th
ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 20 Perhaps it’s too much exposure to the droning hobbit that is Adrian Chiles recently, but something has killed your sex drive. Do yourself a favour and flick the channels to one of the saucy Sky ones as the occasional glimpse of Gaby Logan’s pregnant cleavage just ain’t gonna cut it Lucky day: July 3rd
TAURUS Apr 21 - May 21 You and your partner may have been thinking about children, which is understandable, but it’s important to think about the effect it will have. Forget about finances, with your flaky skin and your partner’s spread of warts, it’ll be a rancid little creature – do you really want to bring that into the world? Lucky day: July 12th
GEMINIMay 22 - Jun 22 Staying faithful in a relationship always means one thing – they’ll be cheating on you. Your innocence is a turn off and your other half will be searching for someone naughtier, so start flirting with their best mate to get noticed more. Lucky day: July 1st
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