A-LISTS living positive by paul montero
What’s it to YOU?
I’m pretty militant about rights to privacy—Salt-N-Pepa’s “None of Your Busi-
ness” starts playing in my head when poz-anonymity comes into conversation. My knee-jerk reaction to outsiders’ nosiness is basically, “What’s it to YOU?” Obviously fueled by my desire to throat-kick anyone who advocates the forced registration of HIV-positive individuals, I realize that I must first retract my claws before giving any balanced advice on this topic. It’s true. No one can make this decision for you…and if they try, they’re nothing
but bags of the douche variety. But even when you’re the one at the helm, figuring out WHEN to tell a trusted soul that you’ve got HIV is one of the toughest things you will ever have to decide. Etiquette and comedic timing go into the act as much as the tone of your voice
and where you choose to do it. We take these things into consideration because most of us know exactly how bad reactions can be when we “come out.” When we as HIV-positive individuals decide to share it (the information, not
the virus), we just want to come clean without having our audience explode into a frantic, screaming mess. At the same time, our own privacy is being pushed aside for another’s benefit. So this is more than just your everyday public service announcement—it can almost be a bonding experiment in trust. Of course, that all depends on who you’re telling.
FAMILY
As someone who has not told his family, nor plans to ever let them in on it, I
can’t give you a reassuring tale of love overcoming fear. What I can do is give a few pointers to “test the waters.” Whether or not you want them to know, it’s important for YOU to find out the attitudes of your family members. When the topic of HIV comes up on TV, or in conversation through someone else’s submission, subtly gauge your selected family member’s emotional perception of HIV and weigh it against his or her logical knowledge of it. If you’re feeling a little bold, feel free to educate and reassure your loved one with facts you’ve picked up from your own experiences with health educators. You can always attribute your “acquired knowledge” to a reputable publication or documentary. One thing to remember: don’t try to be efficient and come out to multiple people in one fell swoop. Each person deserves the chance to digest the news with privacy and your undivided attention…and no one deserves to hear, “I’m HIV-positive, can you pass the po- tatoes?”
FRIENDS
Your buddies may be less prone to succumbing to panic and dramatic expres-
sions of shock, but you have to be just as certain that they won’t blab to others. Make it clear to each friend that it’s causing you a great deal of angst, but that you’re trusting him/her with this information nonetheless. For some, the angst part might be a small stretch of the truth, but hey. When it comes to keeping quiet, friends sometimes need our assistance. And remember, their reactions could surprise you. Some may be unfazed, some might freak out and recall that Freddie Mercury died 24 hours after telling everyone…and others might even take this opportunity to come out to you!
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RAGE monthly | APRIL 2010
DATES
The first two groups may exhibit the most extreme reactions, but this last one
introduces a new variable into the equation: time. Do I open with, “Hi, I’m Positive- Paul! Hahah!” Do I tell him over dinner or drinks? Should I wait ‘til we’re in bed? Should I get it tattooed to my forehead? Only you have the right answer. Given my reactive attitude on HIV anonymity, you might think me hypocritical if
you ever read my online dating profile information. On the cyber playground, my status is certainly not on a need-to-know basis. It’s more of a Las Vegas billboard. I make it a point to use the word “poz” at least once every few sentences. It really serves as the best filtering system ever. If a guy contacts me, I know he’s aware of (and okay with) my status—and that he’s free of the widespread affliction known as “J.A.” (judgmental attitude). I might be alienating a handful of guys, but I sure don’t want to waste my time with some coward who’s turned off by honesty. Of course, that’s just me. So, why do I impose the idea of caution onto others while flamboyantly flaunt-
ing my own status online? Maybe it’s because not everyone has a pair of peace- keeping steel-toes like mine. But really, going against the grain of my initial tirade also illustrates my overall point: we should have the CHOICE to reveal or conceal our status, but by no means should we be prisoners of discretion and shame.
FEEDBACK?
livingpositive@ragemonthly.com or
blog@ragemonthly.com
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